Hi there.
First of all, I hope you never get to read this letter. Mainly because what I'll be pouring into this piece of writing will be what I believe to be the truth. Truth about what I think about you, what you think of yourself, and what I believe about what's going to be the best for you. And most of all, this letter is going to be about the biggest truth about yourself.
The truth that you absolutely hate the truth. And you will hate reading this letter because of that.
We've known each other for so long. It's been a rough relationship, but we had our moments. We weren't exactly the most dynamic duo out there. We might not actually be the best kind of friends at all. But we stuck together all these years because we were each other's comfort zone. You did a lot of other things and went out with other friends, but once you've scratched that itch you were having at that moment, you'd come back knocking on my gate, carrying all the stories you've saved up during the times when you were having that phase of yours. Those were good times indeed, and that's why we've stuck as friends for almost a decade now. And coming from what you've been telling me about you and the adventures you've been having, I think I have at least an inkling of what your motives are.
You like going out with other people and trying different stuff because you're the type of person who loves pleasing other people. That's how you affirm yourself: you revel in the admiration of others. But not because you're a megalomaniac, no, you're definitely nothing like that. You simply grew up in an atmosphere of camaraderie, an environment where family and social relationships are valued more than money and property. You genuinely love people and their company. Your self-affirmation is brought about by the respect and adoration that other people afford you whenever you manage to please them. It's what I admire about you the most, since I, too, am a frustrated crowd-pleasing wannabe. I don't have the kind of people skills that you have. But at the same time, it's that same quality that I believe has brought you to your knees as of late.
You see, because you long for respect and admiration so much, you've raised the bar for yourself so high that you can't really reach in a realistic manner at this point. There's this burning pride in you that compels you to seek ways on how to turn heads towards you. You've set yourself on paths that won't really end that well for you, because you're not meant for those paths, and yet you have done so because these are paths that would allow you to collect the most amount of admiration and respect.
Your don't have Aphasia, but you sure sound like you do, regardless of the tongue you're speaking in, and yet the number of attempts you've made at trying to get into a call center has almost reached into the hundreds. You've pretty much combed the entirety of Makati and Cubao, and all you've gotten was a couple of months' work that can't even be considered as valid work experience. And yet, after all that, you still keep on trying.
Attempt after attempt after attempt. All because of the belief that getting into a call center is an achievement that is worthy of praise and respect. It's not, trust me. It's sweatshop labor, employees are being treated like tethered cattle, and the distinction of being able to communicate in English with an American accent is diminished by the fact that call center agents are merely parrots that replay the policies and the guides that have been prescribed by the client. Yeah, a decade ago, call center agents used to be glamorous and worthy of being called a professional. But not today, when everything about the industry has been laid bare in front of us. There's nothing professional about being a call center agent. Nothing glamorous.
I know you already know that. That's actually why I urged you to look towards other potential employment opportunities. You graduated as a nurse, you've had training in the healthcare industry; you should be working in that industry. But no, you refuse that industry because you feel like being a caregiver is a downgrade, a job that is looked down upon because it's manual labor. You don't believe that there's any glory in that kind of work.
You're actually a decent cook. You've cooked for tons of parties, because again, you and your lot revel in the company of each other, especially in celebration. With proper training, I honestly believe you'd actually be a great cook, maybe even a professional chef. But again, you ignore that path, because you think kitchen work is for servants.
No, you still love the idea of being a young professional; a yuppie in long sleeves walking along the streets of Makati like some highfalutin bigshot with an iPhone in one hand and a Blackberry full of contacts in the other (oh wait, you prefer the Galaxy S4 now, not because it's better, but because you used to train for Galaxy S4 support, thereby making you an "expert" on stuff regarding that phone).
That's why you're dabbling in Photoshop right now. At the very least, you've finally realized that you're on the wrong path. But now you've set yourself on another wrong one. Why?
Because you're not an artist. You've never been one. And not in a million years will you ever be. I could be wrong about that last part, but I think I know you enough to come at that conclusion.
You don't have the natural creativity. You don't have the artistic vision. You don't have the dexterity and the skill to execute. Photoshop isn't a skill, not when you're simply adjusting filters on a picture you grabbed from the internet. You don't even know the concept of a "subject" in art. You don't have any purpose in your creations. You just play around with the tools that are available in whatever version of Photoshop you might have, and then call whatever result you get as "art". No, your "art" is the equivalent of a misguided experiment's unintended outcomes. It's the digital equivalent of a paper doodle. Plain and simple.
Yet you're still walking along this path, because once again, you believe this is a path that will bring you respect and admiration. After all, professional artists do get the nod from other professionals because they're also a force that creates, a force that affects and drives the society and the economy.
You want to be part of that. You want to get that nod of respect, too. But only if you start creating will you be part of that creative force. Which, at this rate, won't seem to be happening anytime soon.
Hence my point as to why you don't like the truth: Because it's opposite of what you're trying to achieve. You don't like to admit the fact that you are nothing like the person that you're trying to be. However, since that particular truth does go against your will, you've blinded yourself to it, so much that, at this point, you're practically unable to steer yourself away from the wrong decisions you've set yourself on.
You are a humble person, I give you that. But right now, you're simply doing everything just to get that self-affirmation you've been getting through the attention of others, so much that your humility has become overshadowed by actions that would point towards the opposite of humility. You're no longer the happy-go-lucky person that I know. Because of your circumstance, you've been driven to do things that you're not supposed to. Right now, you feel like you're wretched, like you're a person who's not worthy of anything. And that's why you feel the need to save your self from this predicament.
Noble, but futile. Futile because your ideas for salvation are skewed.
I tried helping you out. But again, you have your own ideas. And at this point, I'll have to stop trying to help you, because I can only do so much. Any more and I will have to abandon my own attempts at saving my own skin, which is something I couldn't do because we're both in need of salvation. It might seem like abandonment, but to be honest, nobody can't really help you beyond what they can afford to provide. You've had help. Hundreds of times. From several people. And yet they never had any effect on you, because you don't believe in their help. You feel like their help is not going to let you achieve the goals that you've set. Our help doesn't agree with your own idea of victory. And that's why you feel so alone right now. Only because you've rejected the hundreds of helping hands that surround you.
Well, who knows. Maybe it's this solitude that might finally give you the answer you've been looking for. Or, at least, force you to look for more practical solutions to your predicament.
Well, either way. I'm not gonna stop you from achieving your dreams. It's your life, after all. I even hope that you can prove me wrong, that, one of these days, you'll finally show us that you actually fit the roles you've been trying to get into these past few years. So I'll step aside and let you do your thing. Maybe all you need is a little space to gather some momentum. Again, who knows?
On the other hand, that's as much help as I can give at this point. Step aside. Since you're so adamant on doing things your way, you'll actually have to do it your way.
Without me.
I'll still be here, no doubt about that. Only as a spectator, no longer an active hand, but still a spectator who's watching intently.
This is your chance to prove me wrong. I'll be watching your every move. Because I care.
Because I'll always be your best friend.
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