D-Day

Finally managed to fart out a blog post that was made to actually serve the original purpose of this blog, which is to chronicle the important events in my life. Today's somewhat important, though. The reason for it is, well, for better or for worse, this day might turn out to be a huge milestone, and I definitely can't miss the opportunity to write about it, lest it escape me again.

So, well, here goes.

To make things short, basically I think my attempts at getting out of an ill-fated relationship has run into a cul-de-sac for the last time. I have found out that I am incapable of breaking an earnest heart, and for that, I might end up having to carry the burden of being said heart's caretaker for the rest of my life. 

Just to set the record straight: I have always wanted to get out the relationship with my current girlfriend, for the reason that I want to give myself another chance at getting into a proper relationship with someone who's actually compatible with my life. I'm not sure if there's a snowball's chance in hell of that happening, even if I was single in the first place, but at the very least, I want to be open to the possibility if ever that opportunity comes knocking on my door.

You might ask, what's wrong with my current girlfriend, and why isn't she compatible with my life?

Well, for one, I've dreamt of having a successful career in Accountancy and Law, and getting enough emotional support and concern are of paramount importance if I'm to achieve success in those fields. I need someone who understands that I will need my time for studying and catching up with lessons. She would also have to cope with the idea that interaction with people is inevitable, especially with that of the opposite sex. I need someone who will accept the fact that friends and a healthy social life is something normal, and that they are necessary for my success and personal well-being.

Same goes for my work. I am currently serving as a senior executive of our company's local entity, so interaction with my co-workers is something that is non-negotiable. I need someone who can live with the fact that I am contractually-obligated to make professional decisions bereft of any emotion or personal preference.

Finally, I want to be in a relationship with someone who's actually welcome in my life. I want her to be welcome in my home and be friends with my mom, my dad, and my sister. I want her to have access to my awesome man-cave and be comfortable enough to enjoy it together with me. I want her to be someone I can be proud of, someone that I can introduce to my friends and extended family. 

In short, I want her to be a good fit. I'm simple like that.

Alas, all I have is someone who loves me with all of her heart. 

She is fiercely loyal, which makes her overly-attached, and it shows in her total disregard for my studies and my work. She treats all of my professional decisions as personal ones, and looks at every contact of mine with a suspicious eye. Any social interaction with other girls she sees as absolute and utter betrayal, as she believes in the idea that any and all happiness that I may have in my life should only be shared with her, and only her. No exceptions.

The importance of time is completely thrown out of the window as well. I've spent countless hours that could have been spent on more productive matters just to dispel unproven allegations of infidelity and make sure that her extremely-low self esteem is not damaged any further. As I've said, she has the loyalty of a dog, and probably the emotional capacity of one as well. Just being with her is already an emotional roller-coaster in itself; trying to pull her out of a passionate rampage is something else entirely.

Lastly, she's totally unwelcome in our house. My family loathes her, and the very mention of her name inspires vitriol in our household. It's been more than a year since she last stepped into our house, and any update I have on my awesome room I have to show to her through pictures on my cellphone. My friends have never met her, save for my best friend, and she has yet to meet up with my classmates, the likelihood of which is extremely low, given the fact that she's already alienated herself through her anthropophobic tendencies. As far as anyone in my life is concerned, she is unwelcome.

I do love her, there's no doubt about that. I've always loved her. However, that alone can't possibly justify staying in a relationship that pretty much kills my chance at a good, vanilla-flavored life. I may not have been a very good boy, but I think everyone deserves to be in a relationship that doesn't require extreme sacrifice.

But since I'm incapable of breaking her heart, I am forced to become a willing victim of emotional blackmail. I think I will have to stay by her side indefinitely.

I'm not sure what the future holds for me, her, and the both of us. I'm not sure if I'm actually strong enough to go through the entire process of being with her for the sake of doing so. It's actually quite ironic, as I will have to break other hearts (like my mom's) just to make sure hers doesn't break. But at this point, it seems I have no choice.

All I can do at this point is to pray that there is a God, and that he has a plan for us all.