A sudden case of melancholy

I don't really know what's happening. I just came from what many would call "a good time" with some so-called "new-found friends" of mine. I spent a good amount of cash, we hung out, shared some awkward silences, and some not-so awkward ones, but overall, everything was good.

Technically.

All the laughs were present. The smiles, the small talk, and the exchange of pleasant sentiments were there as well. So, technically, I had a good time. 

And yet, I'm still here, typing in front of my computer with a relentless sense of dissatisfaction. Sitting with one leg raised on my desk, like I was bored as all hell.

Maybe it was because the food wasn't that great. I've gone to that particular buffet-style restaurant one time too many, and even though it's a complete haven for serving all my favorite food, its novelty might have rubbed off me already. 

Or probably it was the surreal experience of trying to interacting with familiar-yet-not-so-much people in a very unnatural manner of familiarity. We already know so much about each other, yet today was the first time that we've actually seen each other's faces. And now we're all trying to be familiar with each other, since the emotional investment's already there. It's like trying to buy real things with play money. 

Or maybe it was the entire setup itself. I had to take charge of gathering everybody, think up the location and all the other details, and actually travel to that far-flung location just to make sure that this event really happened. I'm not used to being the center of any kind of arrangement, and so to be responsible for the success of a small get-together did stress me out a little bit. 

It's probably one of those reasons. 

Or it might just be because I was dissatisfied with the turnout. Failed expectations do tend to let me down the most. Of what that expectation was, I cannot really say, nor am I in the place to say it. 

But in any case, if there's somebody to blame for my dissatisfaction, it would actually be me. For expecting something that shouldn't and wouldn't really happen in the first place. One look at the mirror, and it's already enough to dispel any sense of entitlement in me. I am not worthy.

So I guess the only way for me to beat this melancholy down is to just forget about everything and carry on like nothing happened. No use trying to labor in the attempt of achieving something that's out of reach in the first place. 

So much for Communism and its promise of equality.