Vicarious

I don't have any particular agenda in life as of the moment. I'm no patriot, nor am I an activist. I am not an artist of any kind. There are no strong passions stirring inside my chest. So there really is no reason for me to "go out there and do it", because there's no "it".

The only thing I have going for me right now are my work and my studies, which are pretty much normal for everybody. Unless you're an outstandingly-disadvantaged individual who was born in a cesspool of poverty, you don't really choose an education nor a relatively well-paying job as an advocacy in life.

For all intents and purposes, I am quite free to do whatever I wish to do.

And yet I am being held back from living the life I want by forces that are yet known to me.

Laziness? Probably, but I've been known to rise up from my lethargy from time to time whenever I find a very good reason to do so.

Lack of confidence? Yep, could be. But when it comes to the more important things in life, I have managed to overcome my low self-esteem (or, at least, make it seem like I have).

Maybe it's because I'm in a "relationship"?

Maybe.

Either way, all I can do at this point is to sit in front of a screen and watch life from within the spectrum of pornography known as the internet. Watch crazy-gorgeous women doing random stuff while being half-naked. Watch guys kiss and hang out with the same crazy-gorgeous women. Watch rich people flaunt their material wealth by buying the best cars and collecting all the best toys. Watch not-so-rich people flaunt whatever wealth they have left by going places and making it seem like they're rich. Watch a gay friend "live the life" from behind the curtain of perfectly-captured photos. Watch other people kiss and get married and swim in the myopic fantasy of being THE couple. Watch kids half my age reach for the stars, knowing they'll burn out as soon as reality catches up with them, but still envy them for their youthful naivete.

Watch. All while sitting here in my lazy chair, gathering lard under my skin.

I'm fucked. And I'm only turning 30 next year.