The "Holy Shit! My Wallet's Fucked Up!" Post

So I just found out that I've spent 82% of my money on various shit that I didn't really need. That amount included obligations that really I can't get out of, of course, but most of the stuff I've spent on during the past 4 months I could've definitely lived without.

This will just be a short post, btw, as I'm still reeling from the shock of realizing how much my "cost of living" actually is. But basically, in 4 months, I've spent over 3k from Uber rides, 6k from buying games online (fuck), and a whole ton of other stuff that I don't really need.

Based on my calculations, on average, I spend around 17k each month, which doesn't really make any sense. Who needs 17k a month? I certainly didn't need it back then. So what the flying fuck is the deal with my expenses?

Right now I still need 85k in order for me to get my dad's car. Without that money, I won't be able to drive shit.

As much as I would love to make sure that this blog only contained the most eloquent verbosity that I can come up with, given the circumstances, I guess it could only be fair if the following word would be the last thing I typed in this evening:

Fuck. Me. Sideways. With. A. Cactus.

Okay, that was actually 6 words. And I followed it up with a whole bunch of  other words as well. But who cares at this point; I just lost 71k to nonsensical frivolities. That in itself should give me the license to swear all the way up to next Monday.

So fuck it. Fuuuuuck iiiiiit. I'm out.

Vicarious

I don't have any particular agenda in life as of the moment. I'm no patriot, nor am I an activist. I am not an artist of any kind. There are no strong passions stirring inside my chest. So there really is no reason for me to "go out there and do it", because there's no "it".

The only thing I have going for me right now are my work and my studies, which are pretty much normal for everybody. Unless you're an outstandingly-disadvantaged individual who was born in a cesspool of poverty, you don't really choose an education nor a relatively well-paying job as an advocacy in life.

For all intents and purposes, I am quite free to do whatever I wish to do.

And yet I am being held back from living the life I want by forces that are yet known to me.

Laziness? Probably, but I've been known to rise up from my lethargy from time to time whenever I find a very good reason to do so.

Lack of confidence? Yep, could be. But when it comes to the more important things in life, I have managed to overcome my low self-esteem (or, at least, make it seem like I have).

Maybe it's because I'm in a "relationship"?

Maybe.

Either way, all I can do at this point is to sit in front of a screen and watch life from within the spectrum of pornography known as the internet. Watch crazy-gorgeous women doing random stuff while being half-naked. Watch guys kiss and hang out with the same crazy-gorgeous women. Watch rich people flaunt their material wealth by buying the best cars and collecting all the best toys. Watch not-so-rich people flaunt whatever wealth they have left by going places and making it seem like they're rich. Watch a gay friend "live the life" from behind the curtain of perfectly-captured photos. Watch other people kiss and get married and swim in the myopic fantasy of being THE couple. Watch kids half my age reach for the stars, knowing they'll burn out as soon as reality catches up with them, but still envy them for their youthful naivete.

Watch. All while sitting here in my lazy chair, gathering lard under my skin.

I'm fucked. And I'm only turning 30 next year.

Why I keep standing

I have done so many horrible things in the past, in varying degrees of severity, both to myself and to others. Some were accidental. Others were deliberate. All of them, I totally regret.

I  know there are people who would want to see me burn and drop dead, all because they hate what they know of me. They know me as far as how much I've shown them of myself, and for some of them, I've shown nothing but reasons why I deserve their hatred and contempt. For some, I'm just a victim of the fact that nobody can ever please everybody, since I can't really control how other people see me. But there are others that I have deliberately acted against, in both anger and bouts of stupidity, and to those people, I am totally guilty. Can't say I disagree; I know perfectly well that I am guilty of those sins.

Sometimes, the guilt is enough to drive me up the wall, make me lose sleep, run around and cry my eyes out. I rarely complain, though, since I myself believe that I do deserve chastisement for all of the things that I've done in the past, and if I don't get my due punishment, then at the very least, the mental torment of knowing what I am guilty of should be enough.

But if there's one good thing that has come out of this predicament, it's the realization that I'm still here, pondering and reflecting on my sins.

After all, I consider the guilt brought by these thoughts to be a reminder that I'm still human, that I still have a sound grasp of right and wrong. And right now, I'm still alive, breathing, not only able to look back on my past and reflect on it, but to look forward and see how much road I still have in front of me.

I'm still alive. I still have a long way to go. My journey isn't over, and I can't let a mile of bad decisions define my entire life and my whole identity.

For these reasons, I will continue to stand and live. I will continue to hold on to the idea that my life is promising, that I can still make it and be proud of myself at the end of it all.

To the people that I have inflicted pain upon, I humbly apologize. But I value my life too much to stand idly by and comply with my own destruction.

Nobody deserves that kind of surrender. Not even me.