The Absurdity of Self-Sacrifice

To attempt to dedicate oneself to the arduous maintenance of somebody else’s self-esteem while totally disregarding one’s own welfare and self-respect.

That is the very meaning of absurdity.

Sometimes it may also be confused with true love; to abandon the self in favor of another without any consideration for reward. But that is only if the person making the sacrifice does so willingly, without the threat of any kind of emotional blackmail. Without those qualifications, self-sacrifice is reduced to mere subservience, a degradation of the self.

To confuse subservience for love is to enter a prison of one’s own design, where every act of kindness becomes another bar on the cage. I know this because I lived it, pouring myself into someone who only learned to take, never to return. What began as devotion slowly turned into depletion, a steady erosion of dignity that I mistook for loyalty.

But love that requires the death of the self is not love at all. It is dependence dressed in romance, manipulation veiled as passion. And when the heart finally learns to distinguish between the two, the revelation is bitter but liberating.

In the end, I learned that self-respect is not selfishness, and boundaries are not betrayals. To love someone else without first protecting your own dignity is to build a house on sand, doomed to collapse under the weight of its own contradictions. Real love, if it ever arrives, must be a partnership of equals, not a hierarchy of sacrifice.

Trying Hard: The Truth About Call Center Agents and Survival

I always hear about people laughing at call center agents and the BPO industry in general. They say it’s full of lazy, incompetent, try-hard sweatshop laborers. Often, the stories I hear about call center agents involve them showing off their newfound ability to mouth off in English by having loud conversations in jeepneys, and altercations in places like coffee shops and fast-food restaurants, where, of course, the call center agent is the pretentious wannabe yelling at staff in their fake midwestern accent. They earn the ire of doctors for their sorry attempts at faking their way towards a medical certificate. And of course, call center agents have always been the butt of jokes by licensed professionals and the so-called intellectual elite who view the BPO industry as a bastion of incompetence.

I don’t blame them. The BPO industry is full of people who come from all walks of life, and this includes those who tend to be sneered at as being undesirable, primarily because the barrier to entry is quite low. For most call center jobs, the only requirement is that you must be able to read, speak, and write in business-grade English (which doesn’t really take much to do). This results in the industry becoming a hodgepodge of people who hail from practically all backgrounds, but mostly from the hoi polloi, the unwashed masses, the plebs, since, after all, they do make up the majority of our population. True, there are those who come from the A’s, B’s, and C’s, those who come from prestigious schools like UP, Ateneo, and DLSU, and there are those who come in or eventually emerge as lawyers, engineers, artists, and such. But most of the people you will find in the BPO industry are who the news would usually refer to as being part of the masa, people who can only be passionate about survival and nothing else. Call centers are full of socially immobile people who either can’t land a better job because their meager capacity can’t afford them the kind of education that they desire, or whose eclectic interests and personalities do not align with any particular profession that our current society would consider noteworthy.

So to me, it wouldn’t be a surprise if you meet a call center agent who doesn’t have enough cultural capital to carry themselves in a manner that won’t end up being seen as jologs by those coming from the upper echelons of society.

But then again, who can blame call center agents for trying hard? Indeed, to survive is to try hard. And that is exactly what they are doing: they are doing their best to survive, with their dignity intact as much as possible.

And what better way to keep their dignity intact than by being a reflection of society’s ideals? Especially those of the rich and entitled who insult and disparage those whom they consider of lower status. The media seem to think so; their primetime telenovelas are rife with portrayals of rich old women slapping each other and calling each other names. So why not imitate the elitist assholes by being fake elitist assholes themselves?

That, or maybe being an elitist asshole isn’t exclusive to any particular social strata or industry. Painting all call center agents with one brush isn’t just uneducated stereotyping, it’s also unfair to the vast majority who carry themselves with decency and pride.

At the end of the day, the BPO industry is not a caricature of incompetence but a mirror of Philippine society itself: messy, diverse, unequal, but always pushing forward. If call center agents are trying hard, it’s because survival in this country demands it. And if they’re mocked for that, perhaps the joke says less about them and more about us.

One fine day (a eulogy)

The 27th of August, 2008 was a typical day for my 22-year-old self. Back then, I didn't have a job, and I hadn't made the decision to go back to school yet. All I did was play video games on my old PC; a sad old Pentium 4 with a rickety old video card. Because of this, I never had to go outside, since playing video games was all I cared about, and the only place I can do it for free would be at home.

In other words, I was a freeloading homebody with no actual responsibilities to take care of. 

So to make myself useful, I took it upon myself to become our household's official steward (well, I'd like to think of it that way, but my family would say that I really had no choice in the matter). This means I did almost all of the household chores, except the laundry (which I occasionally did), and I was also in charge of making sure that everything in the house was in proper order. And that means everything. Including the front area/garden of our house where our tools and cleaning equipment are stored. 

It's also the place my dog calls home. 

Meet Obama. 

Notice the small mess of sticks in front of him. Those are the remains of a broomstick, which we used to clean the outdoor areas of our house. It also happened to be Obama's favorite chew toy. Of all the things that we kept outdoors, this broom was the thing he loved to mangle the most. And since I was in charge of keeping things in order, I was the one who had to clean up after him, which was very irritating for me, because I didn't have to do it if he didn't go around messing stuff up. I used to yell at him a lot whenever I caught him and his mischief, because I didn't appreciate having to get up and do unnecessary work, like cleaning up after my dog.

Oddly enough, on that day, I just decided to give up and submitted myself to the fact that he'll always chew on that broom. Every time I yell at Obama for messing stuff up, he gives me this look that makes it seem like he's trying to tell me that he has no clue whatsoever about what he's done.

There's no way I can keep on yelling at that face, because 1) it would be futile to try and emphasize an idea that he really wouldn't understand, and 2) he just looks so happy that I can't help but smile and be happy as well. So on that day I just ended up forgiving him, and decided to have a bit of fun together with him.

All in all, it was a good day. 

He was a just young dog fresh out of puppyhood on that day, almost a year old. He's an Aspin (portmanteau of the word asong pinoy, which translates to "native mutt"), with a slight mix of Labrador. We got him from our neighbor who owned his mother (affectionately named "Chicken" by the denizens of that household). Chicken just gave birth to a litter of pups at that time, and our neighbor wasn't sure about what to do with the puppies, so they gave them away to a list of random neighbors, which happened to include us. Since we didn't have a dog at that time, we all just went "meh", and took him in. 

We named him Obama, because my dad had a knack for naming pets based on whoever the prominent world leader was at the time, which happened to be Barack Obama, the president of the United States.

There was no sense of destiny when we took Obama in. All I thought of back then was that he was a cute puppy. We used to call him Baka (cow) because he looked like one when he was a puppy. Small head, big tummy, white coat with big, brown spots in some places. And it was fun, raising him as a pet. To us, he looked like a very happy dog, even though that might not actually be true, because for all we know, it was just the way he looked like. Still, the way we played with him can only be described as energetic. We danced with him, we ran around and played tag. To put it simply, Obama was a bundle of fun.

He was a very friendly dog. In fact, he was the first dog that didn't scare me, even though he was a relatively large one as compared to other aspin mutts. For a long time, I was scared of dogs because as a kid, I was mauled by one of our dogs (named Saddam, which I found to be quite fitting, since he was very rabid). So I wasn't very fond of dogs to begin with, but Obama changed all that for me with his friendly demeanor. You could almost say he singlehandedly cured my fear of dogs without him realizing it.

Even our cat found him to be worthy of friendship. Not once have I caught them fighting. In fact, they were pretty close, as far as cats and dogs go. Our cat treated Obama as if he was family, so to us, that says a lot about him as a dog.

On the other hand, his spontaneous energy has also brought us headaches from time to time. We live in a subdivision where dogs aren't allowed to roam freely in the streets. Pet owners would get penalized if their dog was caught running around without supervision. So, as responsible pet owners, we did our best to keep him inside our fence so that he doesn't end up chasing kids around the neighborhood, even though he only really meant to play with them.

He did manage to get out a lot, though. Obama was very strong and fast back then, so he always managed to overpower my mom or my sister whenever he caught either of them opening the front gate. And once he finds himself outside, he then bolts off in a random direction. At first, I used to run after him to try and catch him, but soon enough, he'd be running off so fast that I eventually gave up trying to do so. Whenever I do manage to catch him, though, I would often have to drag him back because he enjoys the outdoors too much. There were even a couple of times when I had to carry him a couple of blocks just to bring him back home. We found Obama tedious because of this behavior of his, so to keep him from slipping out, we had to watch our backs every time we tried to exit our front gate. Otherwise, he'd bolt again if we weren't careful enough.

I used to take Obama outside for walks back when I was a bit of a fitness buff. That didn't last too long, though, since I never found myself having enough time and motivation to take him on a walk. Aside from that, I learned that our neighborhood wasn't really keen with people walking their dogs around. Poop issues, stuff like that. So I eventually stopped taking him for walks, and Obama had to stick with running around our yard for his entertainment.

If he wasn't successful in tying to get out of the house, he'd try to get inside. Obama was an overly-attached dog, so to speak, so he'd always wanted to stay by our side at the very least if he couldn't go out. Our dad didn't like letting him in, though, so we had to yell him out whenever we found him sneaking his way inside the house. But most of the time, when our dad wasn't around, we'd just let him stay, as long as we were there to keep an eye on him. After all, we did like having him around as long as he was on his best behavior.

The problem with having Obama inside the house, though, was that he brought his mischief with him. He chewed stuff, he ran around and got hair all over everything, and he always tried to piss or take a poop in my room (or anywhere else inside the house for that matter) whenever he got the chance. And as always, I was the one who ended up cleaning after him, so that was enough of a reason for me to make sure he stayed outside of the house proper.

That was pretty much how we handled Obama throughout the years. We had fun with him whenever we could, but most of the time, we saw him as a bit of a nuisance. We always had to do our best to keep an eye on him, make sure he stays within our yard, and we had to clean up after him whenever he makes a mess inside the house.

Eventually, I found myself back in college, and then after that, I went through a couple of jobs. My sister went on to become a doctor. My dad was still working his usual 8 to 5 job, and my mom was, well, busy. Everybody in our household had something to take care of most of the time. We found ourselves spending less time with Obama, and because of that, we sort of neglected him for a bit. We rarely gave him baths, and we only played with him for a bit before we sent him back out. Fleas were a common occurrence, and even though we scrambled to find medicine for treating him, we were usually late in doing so and ended up prolonging his discomfort.

We kinda took him for granted, actually. That was how most of the years with him played out. We never thought of him as soft, being the large, tough dog that he seemed to be. But Obama was a huge softie at his core, probably because of the Labrador blood he had in him. He kept on trying to get inside the house and wanting to be with us, even though we sometimes found him tedious and dirty. To be fair, we did keep on loving him as well, but it was always a bit less than what he deserved. And we never thought of it as something that could actually endanger his life.

One day, we decided to take our front yard apart so we could use the area as parking space for our car. We never really thought much of this, as our only concern was to make sure our car was safe. But we never realized how much this would affect Obama.

Our front yard was Obama's place. It was where he stayed the most, where he ran around the most, where he could play around the most. It was where the door that led to the inside of our house was located. That door was where he stuck his ear onto, because it was where he felt closest to us, so even though he was outside, being next to that door gave him a small measure of comfort. The front yard was gave him a view of the outside world that he yearned so much to be a part of. The way I saw it, our front yard was a huge part of his life, and to see that go was painful to him.

After the front yard was turned into a parking space, Obama was limited to our backyard (which was more of a small, cramped laundry area than an actual backyard) and a small narrow concrete aisle that led to the former front yard, now closed off by a small metal gate. The huge view of the outside world that Obama used to enjoy turned into this small, dark window that limited his view, and to that, he never really managed to adjust. During the first few weeks, he howled every night and barked at even the slightest movement. His longing to go outside, which was already great in the first place, was further intensified by his situation. When he wasn't constantly barking and making noise, he can be found banging on our back door. Our front door was no longer accessible to him, so he switched to our back door, which had no screen, so he didn't have a view of the inside of the house. Also, it was above a small flight of stairs, so Obama couldn't really rest on it as opposed to our front door, which was on level ground that allowed him to lie down right next to it. Basically, his movement at that time was limited to just going back and forth the small distance between our back door and the small metal gate leading outside, and he could only rest in a place that had no window looking inside our house.

I can't imagine what might have been going through Obama's mind back then, but in retrospect, knowing him and his emotional attachment towards us, it must have been torture for him, keeping him in a small, confined space that was almost akin to being caged. We did let him inside the house from time to time, but never for too long, and never overnight, as that was practically leaving him to do as he like, which to us meant having to clean up poop and piss the morning after. So whatever consolation we might have given him by letting him inside and playing with him for a couple of minutes was always overshadowed by the fact that he still had to go back outside at the end of the day.

I'm not sure if all of that caused him to slow down and turn into what he became a few weeks ago. It might have been a virus, but we've been very effective at keeping him inside recently that we've closed that possibility off. He could have eaten something, like laundry detergent, or something indigestible, but we couldn't really confirm it, since none of us were registered vets. Either way, Obama started becoming lethargic as time went on, and we scrambled to find the reason for his sickness. We cured his fleas, we gave him baths, we let him inside the house more often than usual. But still, it didn't seem to improve his condition, and we were left clueless as to what was ailing Obama.

Eventually, his energetic demeanor gave way to complete lethargy. He refused to eat anything that we gave him, and he started to grow really thin. We were worried about him, but we didn't exactly know what to do with him either. And none of us were concerned enough to think about spending money just to bring him to the vet. I did try to bring him the typical dog treats and stuff to chew on that you can find in a pet store, but all it did was fool me into thinking that I was helping Obama. In reality, I couldn't really tell if what I gave him actually helped.

A couple of weeks ago, he stopped banging against our back door. He just sat in the backyard, with a sad, drooping face. For days, he hasn't touched any food that we gave him. Also, we knew he was getting thin, but we were completely caught off-guard to see how bony he looked. It looked as if he was dying. But for the last time, we shrugged it off, as we've had sick pets before, and they usually turned out alright as soon as we fed them some chicken.

Yes, we're that stupid when it comes to pets. To us, feeding pets some fried chicken counts as a miracle cure for every pet's ailment.

Yesterday, we checked up on him. He was completely silent, and he simply gave us this sad look. Me and my sister took turns in going down on him and comforting him with our hands, but he just sat there, gazing at us with his deep, black eyes. I wanted to hug him at that time, but, then again, I never really got used to the idea of hugging him. So I did what I thought was best: I caressed him slowly, patted him lightly on the head, and told him in the most comforting manner that I could muster that he was going to be alright if only he ate his food. After that, I went back inside the house, Obama gazing at me as I closed the back door on him.

At that moment, I didn't realize it, but it would be the last time that I'll ever see Obama alive.

This morning, I was my usual busy self. I didn't bother checking up on Obama, since, just like always, we simply thought he was just sick and that he'll eventually get back on his feet once he starts eating again. I was optimistic, so I kept him out of my thoughts this morning. Nothing unusual as far as I was concerned.

That mood changed when I heard my mom's startled scream from the backyard.

I was about to stand up to find out what happened, but then saw that I didn't need to. My mom walked immediately towards my room to let me know of the sad news as I was standing up from my seat.

Obama was gone.

Optimistic thoughts aside, I wasn't really surprised to hear about Obama's death. The night before, I already told my mom that we should prepare for what could happen, since, based on what I saw in Obama, even though I didn't want to believe it, I knew that there was a chance he won't get out of this one alive. But even then, I still went outside to confirm if he was really dead.

I found him in the part of the backyard leading towards the concrete aisle. He was lying flat on the ground, with his tongue sticking out and piss leaking along his underbelly. At first I thought I saw his chest rise up, but touching him confirmed that he was indeed no longer breathing.

In my wildest dreams, I've never really thought about seeing Obama in that state. I've always thought he'd live to about 20 or so. That was the typical life expectancy for dogs, or so I've heard. I guess I never really considered the fact that it only applied to dogs that were well-kept. Or the fact that Obama wasn't one of them. All this time I thought he was fine. I was wrong. And I can't be more regretful of that than I am now.

My final regret was that I didn't have enough money to give Obama a proper burial. To me, he deserved to be at least cremated and put into a nice urn. Or at least have PAWS take him to their burial yard. But I didn't have the money, so we ended up hiring two kids to put his body into a burlap sack and bury him in a nearby forest. I didn't go with them, so I'm not sure how well they buried it, but they did break the shovel I gave them, so I guess that was proof enough that they did the job, at the very least.

I'm not going to make it look pretty and seem as if we were the best of pals. Looking back, I have so many regrets about the 8 years that we've kept Obama, and I wish he could be here right now to hear me say sorry for everything that I did and didn't do. But, knowing him, he'd just smile and give me that look. He doesn't care about the past. I realized just now that it was not what he did that he was clueless about, but it was my neglect that he didn't care about. He was that loyal. Fiercely loyal. And he loved us with every second of his beating heart.

I wish I could go back to that day. August 27, 2008. Funny how the date and the time were embedded in the pictures, as if the very images were letting me know how fleeting those memories were. And it's silly, I know, to want to go back in time just for the sake of making things right with a dog.

But if I could, I would. Because I owe it to him.

I'm not sure if I'll ever have a dog like him again. But if I ever did, I'll love him the way I should have loved Obama. That may not be enough for me to make it up to Obama, but at the very least, I'll show him that his death was not in vain; that he showed me what it really means to be a dog's human.

He changed me for the better, and for that I will always be grateful to him.

Rest in peace, my dear Obama. You will be sorely missed.

Salvaging a post I wrote in an old blog of mine

Blog Name: the armchair wanderer

Blog Description: these are the the musings of a 23-year-old insignificant someone who hopes to be actually someone significant. tread carefully, reader, for you step on his thoughts.

Post Date: Monday, January 4, 2010

Post Title: Change, I need

Looks like I'm blogging again. Uh-huh.

But I already have my old blog. I could just log in to that site and post a new entry. That would make stuff easier. Probably.

So.. why am I here? Why start a new blog? I could think of a few reasons.

First, my old web friends that I follow on my old blog have moved on to other things. And nobody among those who are still active are interesting enough to follow. Plus, they don't really care about my 2 to 3-year-old entries. Who would care about old stuff, anyway (except for that random spambot that posts adverts on the comments area)?

Second, it's kinda awkward to start blogging again on that site when the last entry's a couple of years old. There would be no continuity. Besides, my writing and outlook on life has changed drastically over the years, and so to put my current ideas and writing style besides that of my younger self would not be logical. As in my entries back then were very, very juvenile. I mean, you don't even have to read the entries. My old username was already indicative of how childish I was back then. It's really surprising to find that some people took me seriously from time to time (although they do notice my childish thinking once they start following me).

Third, and most importantly, that old blog was a huge part in a particularly painful phase in my life's history. I experienced a lot of unnecessary headaches and heartaches during that phase of my life, and almost all of that experience was recorded on that blog. I literally cringe whenever I think of those memories, which were so painful that I stopped writing because of it. And that is why I don't want to read those old entries anymore. Browsing over writings of my former pains would just be masochistic, and I would want nothing else than to start over and forget my past life. As far as I'm concerned, my former self is already dead, along with my old blog.

Which brings me to my last reason. I really, really want to start the process of changing myself this year. I've already made peace with the fact that I am actually growing older every year, and to stick to the status quo would do me no good. The cold, hard inevitabilities of life are starting to hit me with each passing day, and the only way for me to survive the coming years would be to start the process of becoming mature as a person. I have proposed to myself several ideas that would help me start the necessary changes this new year.

One of them is starting this new blog.

What I noticed about myself was my particular lack of will to commit to anything. I love thinking about a lot of stuff, and a lot of ideas and musings occur in a single day of my life. And it feels quite wasteful for me to not write about these things. Unfortunately, sloth takes over my being whenever I attempt to write these ideas down. I'm really lazy, you know.

And not just about writing. My entire recent history has been shaped by my own laziness.

I've grown fat because of my own laziness. My studies have suffered due to my laziness. My relationships with people have failed due to my laziness (gawd I'm really itching to write about those, LOL). I've basically failed at life because of my own shortcomings.

And so, if I want to continue surviving, I need to change myself THIS YEAR.

I don't want 2010 to be a repeat performance of my recent failings.

So, this year, I am willing to counter that laziness. This year, I am going to heal my limp spirit and put my mind on a crutch.

I'll start exercising. I swear.

And I'll study harder.

And I'll start writing again.

Twitter: My new "social" medium of choice

Not that I've started to get interested in posting my thoughts on social media once again. No way.

What I'm saying is that Twitter's a good place to practice my content-sharing abilities. It's also a good place where I can start curating things that I find interesting.

I should remind myself to never post anything personal on it from time to time, though. Especially when my follower base don't exactly consist of my IRL friends and acquaintances. And if that's the case, not everyone in my life deserves that much insight into my personal thoughts.

As much as I would like to impress other people, like my boss for instance, with my personal quips and reflective tweets, I don't think they would actually be interested, much less be impressed.

Anyway, it's all about keeping things interesting. Relevance is key if I want to keep my audience from unfollowing me.

Official policy is to keep every personal insight to this blog. Or just shut up about it so I don't risk a public leak of my otherwise-private stupidity.

The "Holy Shit! My Wallet's Fucked Up!" Post

So I just found out that I've spent 82% of my money on various shit that I didn't really need. That amount included obligations that really I can't get out of, of course, but most of the stuff I've spent on during the past 4 months I could've definitely lived without.

This will just be a short post, btw, as I'm still reeling from the shock of realizing how much my "cost of living" actually is. But basically, in 4 months, I've spent over 3k from Uber rides, 6k from buying games online (fuck), and a whole ton of other stuff that I don't really need.

Based on my calculations, on average, I spend around 17k each month, which doesn't really make any sense. Who needs 17k a month? I certainly didn't need it back then. So what the flying fuck is the deal with my expenses?

Right now I still need 85k in order for me to get my dad's car. Without that money, I won't be able to drive shit.

As much as I would love to make sure that this blog only contained the most eloquent verbosity that I can come up with, given the circumstances, I guess it could only be fair if the following word would be the last thing I typed in this evening:

Fuck. Me. Sideways. With. A. Cactus.

Okay, that was actually 6 words. And I followed it up with a whole bunch of  other words as well. But who cares at this point; I just lost 71k to nonsensical frivolities. That in itself should give me the license to swear all the way up to next Monday.

So fuck it. Fuuuuuck iiiiiit. I'm out.

Stuff I swore I'd collect someday

No intros, I'll just list them all down.

The Eraserheads Box Set - this is a no-brainer. I literally like ALL of their songs. Can't really say I'm that huge of a fan, but I am a fan, so I have to have this one. 

Chance to get: 50-50. Someone at OLX is selling one of these for 5,000 Php. I don't have that much cash on me right now, so I'll just have to hope that it doesn't get sold before I get enough cash.

All Pugad Baboy collections - from the first one to the very latest: This was a significant part of my childhood all the way to my young adulthood. If you liked Pugad Baboy enough to own even one of these, I automatically consider you as my friend.

Chance to get: Unsure, but definitely possible. I'll ask Pol Medina Jr. himself if he's still selling them by set. 

Collier's Junior Classics 1960's printing - The main reason why I'm an aspiring wordsmith today.

Chance to get: Possible, but not from within the country. Got a bunch of sellers from overseas selling in good condition. Will also cost me a pile of coin to buy.

Time-Life Mysteries of the Unknown - 1980's hard-bound printing. Same as above, except that aside from writing, this series opened my eyes to the world of the paranormal.

Chance to get: Same circumstances as above, will have to be sourced overseas.

All FHM Philippines back issues - The premiere men's magazine in the land. Owned a ton of these myself back in the day, but never got to collecting them in order. Still hit myself in the head over selling some to a friend. 

Chance to get: I don't think this one's even possible now, but I'll try to at least collect a year's worth of issues.

The Lord of the Rings + The Hobbit + The Silmarillion - same printing, doesn't matter which one, as long as they're a set. Much better if it's a box set, although I haven't seen these specific books in one.

Chance to get: Almost all Fully-Booked branches carry this, so very possible.

Harry Potter 1-7 -  the box set, naturally.

Chance to get: Same as above, pretty common.

A Song of Fire and Ice - although this one's not really worth collecting at the moment since it's still unfinished. 

Chance to get: As I'll be getting this by the time the series ends, the market should have been flooded with this by then, so it should be a piece of cake.

Other stuff that I can't name on top of my head - will add them to this list as soon as I can recall.

And then finally, A huge-ass bookshelf to store them all in one place.