Note to self

I need to make a decision about what I really want to do with my spare time.

Wait, wasn't I extremely busy with my work and studies?

Well, fortunately, my work's still there. In fact, for the most part, the past year has been all about work. So much that I, without the knowledge of my family, have decided to place my studies on "pause" for a while.

Side note: I hereby officially announce that I am once again in hiatus from college life.

I'm not exactly sure when I'd be going back to my scholastic pursuits, as there are still several factors to consider before I go back. Either way, my appetite for school is currently at an all-time low, and I need to recharge myself for a bit. And by recharge, I mean distract myself with a ton of free time.

Which is a bit of a problem, by the way, as I don't know if I have actually freed a lot of my time so far, because right now, my daily schedule is a mess. I'm supposed to sleep at 10pm every night, wake up at 5:45, start working by 6am, finish up at 1:30, and everything after that should all be free time for myself. But for several reasons, (mostly internet-based ones), I can't help but stay up late, which then leads to me waking up late and sleep-deprived the next morning. And because I lack the proper amount of sleep, I tend to take long naps in the middle of the day, usually before I'm supposed to log out of work. So at the end of the day, I've worked less efficiently and I've spent more time sleeping than I should have, which really doesn't translate into more free time.

But I digress. This is actually an easy problem to solve, especially now that I've lessened my life burdens somewhat. Once I get myself back into the proper sleep rhythm, everything should be back to normal, and then I get my free time.

Which now takes me back to my original question: Now that I am at the verge of having a lot of free time, what should I do with it?

Well, actually I already have some ideas brewing inside my head for the past couple of weeks now:

1) Start a new blog that's focused on my professional experience - I've always wanted to do some creative non-fictional writing about the things I've learned over the course of my time as a young professional. Maybe even make some money out of it through ads (and possibly youtube videos), assuming that I market my blog well through social media, and that there's an actual niche for it.

2) Start an online magazine - Since I'm already on the subject of monetizing content on the internet, might as well talk about my idea of having my own e-zine website. I'm still not sure what the main focus of the website's going to be, but I'm pretty sure it would revolve around subjects that I'm very familiar with and/or very passionate about. The site could end up as an extension or an expansion of my "professional" blog, where I could talk about tech, home-based work, and other stuff that I come across in my everyday work. Probably add in a small section for viral stuff as well.

I've also thought about opening an online men's magazine, now that FHM's shying away from "mature" stuff. My next-door neighbor's a budding photographer; we could probably team up and make our own content. Definitely not sure about this one, but I did think about it, so I'm putting it up here. Might not fit into my idea of something that can be done during my free time, though.

3) Learn day-trading - I ordered a book about day-trading in the stock market yesterday so that I can start learning about turning the stock market into a day job. I want to add day trading to my repertoire of skills as a possible contingency plan just in case everything goes wrong with my current job. I still don't have the necessary capital to begin with (I've heard I may need amounts of up to 200k to start trading), but at least I've put in the necessary intellectual capital before I start diving into it.

4) Practice driving, and possibly branch out into the transport business? - My recent experience with Uber has piqued my interest about the transportation industry, and I might end up running a transport business. I don't have any background on it, but from what I've learned, it doesn't seem too complicated.

5) Others. Will edit them in as soon as I remember them.

So there, I have a handful of plans that I have been dreaming of for some time now. Notice that most of them are inclined towards opening up additional streams of income for myself. That's because I'm 30 now, and I need to start earning money if I want to travel and see the world before my bones start creaking.

When am I going to act on them, though?

No. Freaking. Clue. Maybe once I'm done whipping my schedule back into shape?

Well, I guess for now I'll just have to leave my ideas as they are: ideas. Though, I'm writing them down in the hopes that I get to doing at least one or two of them in the very near future. I'd write this post down on a post-it and stick it on my monitor. But I'm not that kind of guy, and it would ruin the aesthetic of my current setup. So this blog post will have to do.

Note to self: read this post every day, then hit yourself with something hard. It might help.

A reply to "Telling Girls To 'Cover Up' For Boys Promotes Rape Culture"

I posted this as a comment to the article entitled "Telling Girls To 'Cover Up' For Boys Promotes Rape Culture" by Ms. Stephanie Shi of Cosmopolitan.ph.

I, for one, strongly agree that women are not supposed to be treated as sexual objects, and every man should be taught not to harass, catcall, rape, or creep upon women, regardless of what they're wearing (I do have some reservations regarding womens' fashion and exposure of skin, but that's for a different topic).

However, in our present state, where not everyone has access to proper education, especially in depressed areas, women are still at a risk of being harassed or raped by men who are uninitiated to the modern principles behind women's rights, and most of the time it's because these men can do so. No police presence to enforce these lofty ideals, nor are these criminals exposed to suppressors of sexual instinct like education and proper moral guidance.

True, exposing skin should not be a reason to be raped. Same as flaunting your money in public should not an excuse to be stolen from. However, that will only work in a perfect society where people and their thoughts are policed extremely well, where everyone's morals is calibrated with each other, and where people are free from social ills like poverty that prevent them from sublimating sexual energies into more productive activities. Until that is achieved, everyone should protect themselves before relying on society and its constructs to uphold their personal well-being.

D-Day

Finally managed to fart out a blog post that was made to actually serve the original purpose of this blog, which is to chronicle the important events in my life. Today's somewhat important, though. The reason for it is, well, for better or for worse, this day might turn out to be a huge milestone, and I definitely can't miss the opportunity to write about it, lest it escape me again.

So, well, here goes.

To make things short, basically I think my attempts at getting out of an ill-fated relationship has run into a cul-de-sac for the last time. I have found out that I am incapable of breaking an earnest heart, and for that, I might end up having to carry the burden of being said heart's caretaker for the rest of my life. 

Just to set the record straight: I have always wanted to get out the relationship with my current girlfriend, for the reason that I want to give myself another chance at getting into a proper relationship with someone who's actually compatible with my life. I'm not sure if there's a snowball's chance in hell of that happening, even if I was single in the first place, but at the very least, I want to be open to the possibility if ever that opportunity comes knocking on my door.

You might ask, what's wrong with my current girlfriend, and why isn't she compatible with my life?

Well, for one, I've dreamt of having a successful career in Accountancy and Law, and getting enough emotional support and concern are of paramount importance if I'm to achieve success in those fields. I need someone who understands that I will need my time for studying and catching up with lessons. She would also have to cope with the idea that interaction with people is inevitable, especially with that of the opposite sex. I need someone who will accept the fact that friends and a healthy social life is something normal, and that they are necessary for my success and personal well-being.

Same goes for my work. I am currently serving as a senior executive of our company's local entity, so interaction with my co-workers is something that is non-negotiable. I need someone who can live with the fact that I am contractually-obligated to make professional decisions bereft of any emotion or personal preference.

Finally, I want to be in a relationship with someone who's actually welcome in my life. I want her to be welcome in my home and be friends with my mom, my dad, and my sister. I want her to have access to my awesome man-cave and be comfortable enough to enjoy it together with me. I want her to be someone I can be proud of, someone that I can introduce to my friends and extended family. 

In short, I want her to be a good fit. I'm simple like that.

Alas, all I have is someone who loves me with all of her heart. 

She is fiercely loyal, which makes her overly-attached, and it shows in her total disregard for my studies and my work. She treats all of my professional decisions as personal ones, and looks at every contact of mine with a suspicious eye. Any social interaction with other girls she sees as absolute and utter betrayal, as she believes in the idea that any and all happiness that I may have in my life should only be shared with her, and only her. No exceptions.

The importance of time is completely thrown out of the window as well. I've spent countless hours that could have been spent on more productive matters just to dispel unproven allegations of infidelity and make sure that her extremely-low self esteem is not damaged any further. As I've said, she has the loyalty of a dog, and probably the emotional capacity of one as well. Just being with her is already an emotional roller-coaster in itself; trying to pull her out of a passionate rampage is something else entirely.

Lastly, she's totally unwelcome in our house. My family loathes her, and the very mention of her name inspires vitriol in our household. It's been more than a year since she last stepped into our house, and any update I have on my awesome room I have to show to her through pictures on my cellphone. My friends have never met her, save for my best friend, and she has yet to meet up with my classmates, the likelihood of which is extremely low, given the fact that she's already alienated herself through her anthropophobic tendencies. As far as anyone in my life is concerned, she is unwelcome.

I do love her, there's no doubt about that. I've always loved her. However, that alone can't possibly justify staying in a relationship that pretty much kills my chance at a good, vanilla-flavored life. I may not have been a very good boy, but I think everyone deserves to be in a relationship that doesn't require extreme sacrifice.

But since I'm incapable of breaking her heart, I am forced to become a willing victim of emotional blackmail. I think I will have to stay by her side indefinitely.

I'm not sure what the future holds for me, her, and the both of us. I'm not sure if I'm actually strong enough to go through the entire process of being with her for the sake of doing so. It's actually quite ironic, as I will have to break other hearts (like my mom's) just to make sure hers doesn't break. But at this point, it seems I have no choice.

All I can do at this point is to pray that there is a God, and that he has a plan for us all. 

If I hate you, there's an unpublished blog draft for that.

I just realized I have a ton of drafts saved in this blog that I haven't had the will to publish yet. Most of them are unfiltered thoughts that I simply can't get to sharing as of the moment. 

Maybe someday, when everyone in my life's old and detached enough to be unaffected by my writings will I share them. But, then again, I might not be able to recall the feelings that I felt when I had those thoughts, and I might not be able to convey those experiences as well as I could have if done in hindsight. I guess that's the reason why I put this blog up in the first place; as a repository of my unfiltered thoughts and experiences, where I can store anything and everything at the very moment when I had them. Writing about things in uninspired retrospect defeats the very purpose of this blog. 

And yet I hesitate. Because I am aware of the fact that this is still the Internet. Public domain. My blog may not be as permeating as Facebook, but people can still access this website and peruse my words. Words that might get used against me one day.

So these potentially-inflammatory will have to stay where they are at the moment; in the relatively-safe confines of my unpublished drafts. But if in case you're interested, here are some of the things you can expect from my drafts:

1) If I hate you, there's a draft for that.

2) If you're a crush of mine, there's definitely a draft for that. A very wordy one.

3) Socio-political commentary that I feel like I'm not qualified enough to blurt out.

4) Other emo stuff that are too depressing for even the internet.

That's pretty much it so far. I expect the number of my unpublished posts to increase in the following months, as I face a ton of frustration and failure in my continuing journey towards self-actualization. So, if there's anyone who actually follow this blog (highly doubtful, but we'll see), well, tough luck I guess?

Vicarious

I don't have any particular agenda in life as of the moment. I'm no patriot, nor am I an activist. I am not an artist of any kind. There are no strong passions stirring inside my chest. So there really is no reason for me to "go out there and do it", because there's no "it".

The only thing I have going for me right now are my work and my studies, which are pretty much normal for everybody. Unless you're an outstandingly-disadvantaged individual who was born in a cesspool of poverty, you don't really choose an education nor a relatively well-paying job as an advocacy in life.

For all intents and purposes, I am quite free to do whatever I wish to do.

And yet I am being held back from living the life I want by forces that are yet known to me.

Laziness? Probably, but I've been known to rise up from my lethargy from time to time whenever I find a very good reason to do so.

Lack of confidence? Yep, could be. But when it comes to the more important things in life, I have managed to overcome my low self-esteem (or, at least, make it seem like I have).

Maybe it's because I'm in a "relationship"?

Maybe.

Either way, all I can do at this point is to sit in front of a screen and watch life from within the spectrum of pornography known as the internet. Watch crazy-gorgeous women doing random stuff while being half-naked. Watch guys kiss and hang out with the same crazy-gorgeous women. Watch rich people flaunt their material wealth by buying the best cars and collecting all the best toys. Watch not-so-rich people flaunt whatever wealth they have left by going places and making it seem like they're rich. Watch a gay friend "live the life" from behind the curtain of perfectly-captured photos. Watch other people kiss and get married and swim in the myopic fantasy of being THE couple. Watch kids half my age reach for the stars, knowing they'll burn out as soon as reality catches up with them, but still envy them for their youthful naivete.

Watch. All while sitting here in my lazy chair, gathering lard under my skin.

I'm fucked. And I'm only turning 30 next year.

Still in crisis, and I'm loving it

I'm pretty sure I've already written about how much I've been trying to avoid any discussion of the social or political kind, mostly because I'm not properly equipped to be involved in such, but I've already forgotten where I put that damn post. Oh well.

Anyway, this is merely a reaffirmation of my previously-stated stand on political/social issues and/or current social trends: I don't have any particular stand on anything, I don't take sides, or, at the very least, I am inhibiting myself from being a part of one.

I may have some ideas and thoughts about such issues, brewing inside this tiny brain of mine. But they're all underdone due to the fact that my education in these issues is only as much as the amount of relevant information that a glance on Facebook or a quick read on some news site can provide, which happen to be very inadequate for the purpose of having a meaningful discussion of said issues.

Now, I am fully aware that since I am a part of this society and a citizen of this country, I am somewhat responsible for taking part in the public exchange of ideas in order show that I actually care about what's happening. Also, even though I may not seem like it, I do care about our society in general, since, at the end of the day, everything that's happened within our country will eventually find itself into my life, and of course I would want to be prepared for when that happens. So yes, I am compelled, through the awareness of my responsibility towards society and the concern for my personal well-being, to learn about these national issues, read about them, and talk about them with other people who actually care about these things. It is a responsibility, to myself and to others, there's no doubt about it.

And make no mistake, I do want to get involved. I do fancy the idea that there are some things in this society that I think will improve a little bit (or a lot, depending on whether or not you'd agree with me), if only I was allowed to add my own personal touch to them. Yes, sometimes I do like thinking about the things I could try to do to fix this nation and the people within it.

So there, I do want to join in.

But, well, to give you the short version of things, I'm just too preoccupied with my own goddamn life to worry about things like politics and social issues.

I currently have two major responsibilities in my life right now: my work and my schooling, both of which need my full-time attention, which is already a burden in itself. So that already eliminates the possibility of me trying to read up on relevant social issues, because I simply do not have any time for it.

Aside from my own unavailability, another huge reason for me to not participate is that there are people out there who are way, way more qualified than I am to talk about these things, and that they usually don't like associating with me in particular.

Strange reason, yes, but let me explain in detail.

For starters, whenever I finally get the chance to read up on social issues, they're usually articles or social media posts written by people who happen to be within my own social circles. Not exactly people that I can call friends, though, as most of them find it below themselves to consider me as worthy of their company, but I have been acquainted with them somehow. Anyway, whenever I attempt to insert a thought into their conversations, I end up getting rebuffed, usually in a very harsh, condescending manner, probably because I sound stupid, or because the topic at hand is way out of my depth.

I've had one too many experiences of that sort in the past, and because of this I guess I've become party to our country's so-called "culture of ignorance", which is basically the tendency of "ordinary" people like me to shy away from intellectual discussion, usually expressed through the phrase, "andami mong alam!". This is mainly because almost all intelligent people that I know of are, well, dicks. From my own point of view, they all seem like intellectual elitist assholes who usually brush off the opinion of small people like me without even trying to consider the context of our opinion and the circumstances behind our inability to express our ideas as well as they can. So, for me, these supposedly all-encompassing social issues become the private realm of these stuck-up intellectuals, an invitation-only gentleman's club of elitist douche bags, and we are all left behind to simmer in our own soup of mediocrity. For people like me, we just end up going after the more personally relevant things, like being successful at our own jobs and our own lives, because we've been pushed away from the discourse.

Now I know that by saying I'm going to leave the more important issues to the smarter guys, it's gonna mean that I would have no choice but to surrender myself to wherever their intellectual revolution might take all of us. Well, in a way, I guess that's true. And it's not like I had any choice in the first place, since I'm too inept to be of any significance to any kind of intellectual discourse. As far as I'm concerned, what's important is that their tentacles do not approach the narrow bubble of space that is my own personal life. I could care less about what they do as long as I'm left alone to my own devices.

The last major reason for my non-participation is that, well, I'm still in the middle of my own existential crisis, hence the title of this blog. All the power that my limited mental capacities can muster are all focused on the questions of my own existence. My own purpose. Ultimately, my stances on religion, politics, society, and all that good stuff will all depend on my own moral compass and my own principles, which, at this point, are still under construction, so to speak.

So basically what I'm saying is, fuck the society for now. Eventually, I'll be a bit more mature about things, and I'll be more read up about stuff, and when that time comes, the public sphere can eat me whole, for all I care. But for now, I have more important things to take care of, so y'all will just have to catch me later, when I'm a little more prepped up for the talk.

A reaction to the movie "Her"

I don't think I'll be able to recover from the melancholy that this movie has left me in any time soon.

I feel like I just took a huge hit in the gut. I'm all out of breath, and I still can't get up from the emotional roller coaster that this movie has dragged me through.

Jealousy. Frustration. Misery. Sexual Intimacy. All in a visually-stunning package.

Damn this movie for making me feel this way.