I don't have any particular agenda in life as of the moment. I'm no patriot, nor am I an activist. I am not an artist of any kind. There are no strong passions stirring inside my chest. So there really is no reason for me to "go out there and do it", because there's no "it".
The only thing I have going for me right now are my work and my studies, which are pretty much normal for everybody. Unless you're an outstandingly-disadvantaged individual who was born in a cesspool of poverty, you don't really choose an education nor a relatively well-paying job as an advocacy in life.
For all intents and purposes, I am quite free to do whatever I wish to do.
And yet I am being held back from living the life I want by forces that are yet known to me.
Laziness? Probably, but I've been known to rise up from my lethargy from time to time whenever I find a very good reason to do so.
Lack of confidence? Yep, could be. But when it comes to the more important things in life, I have managed to overcome my low self-esteem (or, at least, make it seem like I have).
Maybe it's because I'm in a "relationship"?
Maybe.
Either way, all I can do at this point is to sit in front of a screen and watch life from within the spectrum of pornography known as the internet. Watch crazy-gorgeous women doing random stuff while being half-naked. Watch guys kiss and hang out with the same crazy-gorgeous women. Watch rich people flaunt their material wealth by buying the best cars and collecting all the best toys. Watch not-so-rich people flaunt whatever wealth they have left by going places and making it seem like they're rich. Watch a gay friend "live the life" from behind the curtain of perfectly-captured photos. Watch other people kiss and get married and swim in the myopic fantasy of being THE couple. Watch kids half my age reach for the stars, knowing they'll burn out as soon as reality catches up with them, but still envy them for their youthful naivete.
Watch. All while sitting here in my lazy chair, gathering lard under my skin.
I'm fucked. And I'm only turning 30 next year.
Tuesday, December 22, 2015
Thursday, July 24, 2014
Still in crisis, and I'm loving it
I'm pretty sure I've already written about how much I've been trying to avoid any discussion of the social or political kind, mostly because I'm not properly equipped to be involved in such, but I've already forgotten where I put that damn post. Oh well.
Anyway, this is merely a reaffirmation of my previously-stated stand on political/social issues and/or current social trends: I don't have any particular stand on anything, I don't take sides, or, at the very least, I am inhibiting myself from being a part of one.
I may have some ideas and thoughts about such issues, brewing inside this tiny brain of mine. But they're all underdone due to the fact that my education in these issues is only as much as the amount of relevant information that a glance on Facebook or a quick read on some news site can provide, which happen to be very inadequate for the purpose of having a meaningful discussion of said issues.
Now, I am fully aware that since I am a part of this society and a citizen of this country, I am somewhat responsible for taking part in the public exchange of ideas in order show that I actually care about what's happening. Also, even though I may not seem like it, I do care about our society in general, since, at the end of the day, everything that's happened within our country will eventually find itself into my life, and of course I would want to be prepared for when that happens. So yes, I am compelled, through the awareness of my responsibility towards society and the concern for my personal well-being, to learn about these national issues, read about them, and talk about them with other people who actually care about these things. It is a responsibility, to myself and to others, there's no doubt about it.
And make no mistake, I do want to get involved. I do fancy the idea that there are some things in this society that I think will improve a little bit (or a lot, depending on whether or not you'd agree with me), if only I was allowed to add my own personal touch to them. Yes, sometimes I do like thinking about the things I could try to do to fix this nation and the people within it.
So there, I do want to join in.
But, well, to give you the short version of things, I'm just too preoccupied with my own goddamn life to worry about things like politics and social issues.
I currently have two major responsibilities in my life right now: my work and my schooling, both of which need my full-time attention, which is already a burden in itself. So that already eliminates the possibility of me trying to read up on relevant social issues, because I simply do not have any time for it.
Aside from my own unavailability, another huge reason for me to not participate is that there are people out there who are way, way more qualified than I am to talk about these things, and that they usually don't like associating with me in particular.
Strange reason, yes, but let me explain in detail.
For starters, whenever I finally get the chance to read up on social issues, they're usually articles or social media posts written by people who happen to be within my own social circles. Not exactly people that I can call friends, though, as most of them find it below themselves to consider me as worthy of their company, but I have been acquainted with them somehow. Anyway, whenever I attempt to insert a thought into their conversations, I end up getting rebuffed, usually in a very harsh, condescending manner, probably because I sound stupid, or because the topic at hand is way out of my depth.
I've had one too many experiences of that sort in the past, and because of this I guess I've become party to our country's so-called "culture of ignorance", which is basically the tendency of "ordinary" people like me to shy away from intellectual discussion, usually expressed through the phrase, "andami mong alam!". This is mainly because almost all intelligent people that I know of are, well, dicks. From my own point of view, they all seem like intellectual elitist assholes who usually brush off the opinion of small people like me without even trying to consider the context of our opinion and the circumstances behind our inability to express our ideas as well as they can. So, for me, these supposedly all-encompassing social issues become the private realm of these stuck-up intellectuals, an invitation-only gentleman's club of elitist douche bags, and we are all left behind to simmer in our own soup of mediocrity. For people like me, we just end up going after the more personally relevant things, like being successful at our own jobs and our own lives, because we've been pushed away from the discourse.
Now I know that by saying I'm going to leave the more important issues to the smarter guys, it's gonna mean that I would have no choice but to surrender myself to wherever their intellectual revolution might take all of us. Well, in a way, I guess that's true. And it's not like I had any choice in the first place, since I'm too inept to be of any significance to any kind of intellectual discourse. As far as I'm concerned, what's important is that their tentacles do not approach the narrow bubble of space that is my own personal life. I could care less about what they do as long as I'm left alone to my own devices.
The last major reason for my non-participation is that, well, I'm still in the middle of my own existential crisis, hence the title of this blog. All the power that my limited mental capacities can muster are all focused on the questions of my own existence. My own purpose. Ultimately, my stances on religion, politics, society, and all that good stuff will all depend on my own moral compass and my own principles, which, at this point, are still under construction, so to speak.
So basically what I'm saying is, fuck the society for now. Eventually, I'll be a bit more mature about things, and I'll be more read up about stuff, and when that time comes, the public sphere can eat me whole, for all I care. But for now, I have more important things to take care of, so y'all will just have to catch me later, when I'm a little more prepped up for the talk.
Anyway, this is merely a reaffirmation of my previously-stated stand on political/social issues and/or current social trends: I don't have any particular stand on anything, I don't take sides, or, at the very least, I am inhibiting myself from being a part of one.
I may have some ideas and thoughts about such issues, brewing inside this tiny brain of mine. But they're all underdone due to the fact that my education in these issues is only as much as the amount of relevant information that a glance on Facebook or a quick read on some news site can provide, which happen to be very inadequate for the purpose of having a meaningful discussion of said issues.
Now, I am fully aware that since I am a part of this society and a citizen of this country, I am somewhat responsible for taking part in the public exchange of ideas in order show that I actually care about what's happening. Also, even though I may not seem like it, I do care about our society in general, since, at the end of the day, everything that's happened within our country will eventually find itself into my life, and of course I would want to be prepared for when that happens. So yes, I am compelled, through the awareness of my responsibility towards society and the concern for my personal well-being, to learn about these national issues, read about them, and talk about them with other people who actually care about these things. It is a responsibility, to myself and to others, there's no doubt about it.
And make no mistake, I do want to get involved. I do fancy the idea that there are some things in this society that I think will improve a little bit (or a lot, depending on whether or not you'd agree with me), if only I was allowed to add my own personal touch to them. Yes, sometimes I do like thinking about the things I could try to do to fix this nation and the people within it.
So there, I do want to join in.
But, well, to give you the short version of things, I'm just too preoccupied with my own goddamn life to worry about things like politics and social issues.
I currently have two major responsibilities in my life right now: my work and my schooling, both of which need my full-time attention, which is already a burden in itself. So that already eliminates the possibility of me trying to read up on relevant social issues, because I simply do not have any time for it.
Aside from my own unavailability, another huge reason for me to not participate is that there are people out there who are way, way more qualified than I am to talk about these things, and that they usually don't like associating with me in particular.
Strange reason, yes, but let me explain in detail.
For starters, whenever I finally get the chance to read up on social issues, they're usually articles or social media posts written by people who happen to be within my own social circles. Not exactly people that I can call friends, though, as most of them find it below themselves to consider me as worthy of their company, but I have been acquainted with them somehow. Anyway, whenever I attempt to insert a thought into their conversations, I end up getting rebuffed, usually in a very harsh, condescending manner, probably because I sound stupid, or because the topic at hand is way out of my depth.
I've had one too many experiences of that sort in the past, and because of this I guess I've become party to our country's so-called "culture of ignorance", which is basically the tendency of "ordinary" people like me to shy away from intellectual discussion, usually expressed through the phrase, "andami mong alam!". This is mainly because almost all intelligent people that I know of are, well, dicks. From my own point of view, they all seem like intellectual elitist assholes who usually brush off the opinion of small people like me without even trying to consider the context of our opinion and the circumstances behind our inability to express our ideas as well as they can. So, for me, these supposedly all-encompassing social issues become the private realm of these stuck-up intellectuals, an invitation-only gentleman's club of elitist douche bags, and we are all left behind to simmer in our own soup of mediocrity. For people like me, we just end up going after the more personally relevant things, like being successful at our own jobs and our own lives, because we've been pushed away from the discourse.
Now I know that by saying I'm going to leave the more important issues to the smarter guys, it's gonna mean that I would have no choice but to surrender myself to wherever their intellectual revolution might take all of us. Well, in a way, I guess that's true. And it's not like I had any choice in the first place, since I'm too inept to be of any significance to any kind of intellectual discourse. As far as I'm concerned, what's important is that their tentacles do not approach the narrow bubble of space that is my own personal life. I could care less about what they do as long as I'm left alone to my own devices.
The last major reason for my non-participation is that, well, I'm still in the middle of my own existential crisis, hence the title of this blog. All the power that my limited mental capacities can muster are all focused on the questions of my own existence. My own purpose. Ultimately, my stances on religion, politics, society, and all that good stuff will all depend on my own moral compass and my own principles, which, at this point, are still under construction, so to speak.
So basically what I'm saying is, fuck the society for now. Eventually, I'll be a bit more mature about things, and I'll be more read up about stuff, and when that time comes, the public sphere can eat me whole, for all I care. But for now, I have more important things to take care of, so y'all will just have to catch me later, when I'm a little more prepped up for the talk.
Tuesday, June 10, 2014
A reaction to the movie "Her"
I don't think I'll be able to recover from the melancholy that this movie has left me in any time soon.
I feel like I just took a huge hit in the gut. I'm all out of breath, and I still can't get up from the emotional roller coaster that this movie has dragged me through.
Jealousy. Frustration. Misery. Sexual Intimacy. All in a visually-stunning package.
Damn this movie for making me feel this way.
I feel like I just took a huge hit in the gut. I'm all out of breath, and I still can't get up from the emotional roller coaster that this movie has dragged me through.
Jealousy. Frustration. Misery. Sexual Intimacy. All in a visually-stunning package.
Damn this movie for making me feel this way.
Tuesday, May 13, 2014
Why I need to stop posting on Facebook
OR: why it sucks to know that a 16-year-old's got more wisdom than me.
I was on the verge of posting a video of Amon Amarth on my Facebook wall. Their song "Father of the Wolf" was pretty awesome, and even though I'm not an actual fan of the metal genre, I really liked the entire song, especially the guitar solo part and the music video (which I believe is there not to be the superficial marketing part, but as an actual part of the song's presentation). So much that I wanted to shout to the world that I am a hardcore metalhead by posting the video on Facebook, just for the sake of showing that I AM am that hardcore.
I was on the verge of posting a video of Amon Amarth on my Facebook wall. Their song "Father of the Wolf" was pretty awesome, and even though I'm not an actual fan of the metal genre, I really liked the entire song, especially the guitar solo part and the music video (which I believe is there not to be the superficial marketing part, but as an actual part of the song's presentation). So much that I wanted to shout to the world that I am a hardcore metalhead by posting the video on Facebook, just for the sake of showing that I AM am that hardcore.
I want to be hardcore. Because it's cool to be hardcore. People go to certain lengths just to be seen as hardcore, even though they've never held a guitar in their lives.
But, then again, I need to stop being so pretentious. I know I'm not hardcore. For chrissakes, I'm studing to become a four-eyed accountant right now. I spend entire weeks sitting alone in front of my computer, playing video games and watching Japanese porn. So, even though I still don't have the answer to the question of who I really am, at the very least, I do know who and what I'm not. And right now, I can pretty much say for certain that I am not a metalhead.
So, yeah, I ended up not posting the video, because I realized that by doing so, I will just begin to pretend once more. At the end of the day, it's all too easy to pretend on Facebook. All it takes is a few strokes of a keyboard, and anybody can be anyone they want to. It's easy to control your image if you're behind a screen.
It's also quite sad to realize that a classmate of mine, a 16-year-old teenage girl, actually knows this better than I do. Well, it was actually a bit ironic because I saw her post this on her Facebook wall. But, if you actually think about it, I don't she'd post that particular aphorism if she actually felt guilty of such a sin. That, or she's just another idiot posting stuff blindly on the internet.
Well, either way, it doesn't really take anything away from the truth value of what she's said. So what I'm going to do is I'm gonna follow that wisdom from now on. From now on, I'm not going to post anything that might misconstrue my identity on Facebook. No more pretending.
So I guess this is my goodbye to posting on Facebook.
But only to posting on Facebook, or any other social media websites. There's still a ton of entertainment to be squeezed out of these online platforms, like playing Dawn of the Dragons, ogling pictures of celebrities in skimpy outfits, catching up on the latest buzz on the internet, and of course, watching other pretentious people fail at their own lives and make a fool out of themselves.
So I guess this is my goodbye to posting on Facebook.
But only to posting on Facebook, or any other social media websites. There's still a ton of entertainment to be squeezed out of these online platforms, like playing Dawn of the Dragons, ogling pictures of celebrities in skimpy outfits, catching up on the latest buzz on the internet, and of course, watching other pretentious people fail at their own lives and make a fool out of themselves.
Schadenfreude is a beautiful word.
Tuesday, January 21, 2014
Seeing red. And some other random thoughts.
Ah, the first post for the new year that is 2014. Let me begin this entry with a bit of self-betrayal: I promised myself that I would dedicate the year's first post to a recap of the past year's events. Unfortunately, I had been taken over once again by the bane of all academe: procrastination (and her twin sister, laziness), so I'll have to defer the recap to another time. Also, today's events were quite special in their own unique way, and I would like to have them locked into writing for posterity's sake. Just in case I run into something like today again. Or, at least, ensure that I learn something out of the chaos that I have found myself in.
Random thought #1: I think I ended that last sentence with a preposition. Gahd, my grammar has been rusty as of late. Same thing with my pronunciation. Hell, even my vocabulary's taken a hit, recently. Looks like I'll need to brush up on my English again, for the sake of keeping myself sharp, skill-wise.
Okay, that was a runaway brain fart. But if I'm gonna try and achieve this posterity thing, I'll have to get used to catching random thoughts on the fly.
So, anyway, without further ado, here are the random thoughts and things that have ran through my head recently:
Aggression:
Seems that I've gotten a ton of this today, all without any kind of intentional provocation from my end. People just end up getting angry while in my presence. Like my accounting professor, for instance. I have no idea why he's giving me low grades, but I'm pretty sure he does it on purpose. He had absolutely no reason to give me a low (albeit passing) score on that homework. Everything balanced, I had the same results as my classmates who got perfect marks, hell, I even made sure that my paper was as clean as it can be. That alone took a lot of effort on my part. And yet, despite all that, I only got fair marks on that homework. With absolutely no explanation or indication of what caused that kind of score. SMH. And the worst thing about this situation is that I can't really complain about it. Otherwise, I'll just find myself in open conflict with the very person who holds sway over the fate of my very grades.
That's one confrontation I would definitely want to avoid, if I am to achieve my goals of becoming an accountant.
Another instance of hostility I experienced today was that from a classmate of mine. Well, to be fair, she was indeed pissed off at something, I had no idea what it was. All I knew then was that, whatever her damage was, it couldn't possibly be a reason for her to lash out at someone like me. We weren't that close, in the first place.. well, okay, maybe, I am trying to "appeal" to her clique of girls, but all because I needed to build my network of connections within the campus. Friends are always useful in any kind of situation. And no ulterior motives, of course. I'm more than a decade older than these girls, so it would definitely be weird if I got close to them. I'm just being pragmatic is all I'm saying. Anyway, she and I are friendly enough to converse and be mildly funny and all, but not close enough to be totally buddy-buddy with each other. So I didn't really expect that she'd be "comfortable" enough to shed her compliance to the rules of general civility and actually repel me with a "That's not very funny" line when I attempted to cheer her up. To me, that's a huge red alert, since that means I've already crossed my own boundaries and exposed myself to her, them, and to their world of social circles. Which is something that I absolutely want to avoid getting myself tangled into. As far as I'm concerned, I'm just there to study. I have no plan of getting involved with their teenage drama stuff or becoming an actual object of their conversations and emotions. That is not part of my plan.
Biggest one, of course, would be from my girlfriend. Getting pissed off at my Facebook activities has become her favorite hobby as of late. All for the tiniest of reasons, if they can even be considered as valid. Like me following this FHM model, liking that classmate's status, stuff like that. We could be fighting over more serious stuff, like me actually trying to cheat with another girl, me trying to run off with her money. Anything. But no, she had to choose the route of peeving over a bevy of imaginary threats made up of FHM models, 16-year-old teenagers, and co-workers who live miles away from where I am. Babe, if you're reading this, I have one thing to say: set your priorities straight. I am not cheating.
Some other minor stuff of aggression include this morning's jeepney ride. Driver got pissed off at a kid who got off without paying. Dude riding in the front got pissed off at the driver for not cutting the kid some slack. Driver got pissed off more and started a small verbal battle with the dude in front. No idea how it ended as I had already gotten off the jeepney in the middle of the situation. Another one would be while I was walking my dog through the subdivision. A girl got pissed off at me for staying in front of her house a little too long, since she thought I was letting my dog urinate on their fence. Which wasn't really happening of course.
Add to that my long-standing animosity towards the two idiots over at my work, and you have my day's menu of hot, angry steam.
Good thing my sister was at work today. It could have been worse, haha.
Money (and my job):
Well, this one's always been in my head since I started working. It has been a bigger object of my thoughts recently, though, mainly because of my obsession over my PC project. If I were to guess on an estimate, I'd say my projects about 50 to 60 percent complete. I still have a long way to go with the parts that I need, so if I'm going to finish this project, I'll have to make sure that I maintain the status quo with regards to my job. Otherwise, I'll have delays.
The Daily Grind:
I'm starting to feel it. The topics at school are starting to ramp up, and the professors are gaining momentum with their tasks. My grades aren't exactly in top shape, either, so I'll have to step my game up beginning now.
I wish summer would come a bit sooner, though. I need a vacation.
Writing:
Not sure if I want to tackle this one right now, but I'll chip a thought in for later: Can I consider myself as a writer, since I've been writing on my blogs for a long time? I think the answer to that would be no. Technically, a writer is someone who writes for a living, and that's not what I do. My blogging is more of a personal thing, and I'm not really offering my "work" to an audience for consumption. But at the same time, I don't mind keeping this blog open to the public. Just keeping it open, not sharing it, that's the thing. I'm not trying to create or present art, either. It just is and that's why this is called a "Weblog", it's a log of stuff posted on the web. It's not for anybody, but it's open to everybody. Like a park. Or the facade of my own house. Something like that. I'll have this one pinned down eventually.
Health and fitness:
I often say that I currently have no time for such endeavors, but in reality, it's more of a will issue. I can definitely make room for an hour-long exercise session, but recently, I've been so lazy about stuff, especially exercise. To be honest, I've started feeling various (mostly painful and uncomfortable) sensations all around my body, and even though I really want to fix these potential problems, I've done nothing to contribute towards that end. Maybe someday I'll end up regretting not doing anything about my health, but I really don't want to come to that point. I need to do something. Now. While I'm still in my twenties.
The future (and how uncertain everything is):
Just a few things about my anxiety over the future. Everything's still so uncertain, and yet here I am, betting on my own plans and hoping for the best. Well, I guess that's the reason why I'm so anxious; I hate betting on anything. If I'm gonna be part of anything, I would prefer it to be a bit more certain. Also, there are some things that I'm still not sure about. I hope I can get to resolve these particular issues before the year ends. I'm not getting any younger, and the window of opportunity is starting to close up, so I'd have to close things now before that window closes.
Well, that's about it. A bit constipated, but that's to be expected from someone who should be blogging regularly about things.
Lesson for the day: Limits, limits, limits. Be aware of your limits.
Random thought #1: I think I ended that last sentence with a preposition. Gahd, my grammar has been rusty as of late. Same thing with my pronunciation. Hell, even my vocabulary's taken a hit, recently. Looks like I'll need to brush up on my English again, for the sake of keeping myself sharp, skill-wise.
Okay, that was a runaway brain fart. But if I'm gonna try and achieve this posterity thing, I'll have to get used to catching random thoughts on the fly.
So, anyway, without further ado, here are the random thoughts and things that have ran through my head recently:
Aggression:
Seems that I've gotten a ton of this today, all without any kind of intentional provocation from my end. People just end up getting angry while in my presence. Like my accounting professor, for instance. I have no idea why he's giving me low grades, but I'm pretty sure he does it on purpose. He had absolutely no reason to give me a low (albeit passing) score on that homework. Everything balanced, I had the same results as my classmates who got perfect marks, hell, I even made sure that my paper was as clean as it can be. That alone took a lot of effort on my part. And yet, despite all that, I only got fair marks on that homework. With absolutely no explanation or indication of what caused that kind of score. SMH. And the worst thing about this situation is that I can't really complain about it. Otherwise, I'll just find myself in open conflict with the very person who holds sway over the fate of my very grades.
That's one confrontation I would definitely want to avoid, if I am to achieve my goals of becoming an accountant.
Another instance of hostility I experienced today was that from a classmate of mine. Well, to be fair, she was indeed pissed off at something, I had no idea what it was. All I knew then was that, whatever her damage was, it couldn't possibly be a reason for her to lash out at someone like me. We weren't that close, in the first place.. well, okay, maybe, I am trying to "appeal" to her clique of girls, but all because I needed to build my network of connections within the campus. Friends are always useful in any kind of situation. And no ulterior motives, of course. I'm more than a decade older than these girls, so it would definitely be weird if I got close to them. I'm just being pragmatic is all I'm saying. Anyway, she and I are friendly enough to converse and be mildly funny and all, but not close enough to be totally buddy-buddy with each other. So I didn't really expect that she'd be "comfortable" enough to shed her compliance to the rules of general civility and actually repel me with a "That's not very funny" line when I attempted to cheer her up. To me, that's a huge red alert, since that means I've already crossed my own boundaries and exposed myself to her, them, and to their world of social circles. Which is something that I absolutely want to avoid getting myself tangled into. As far as I'm concerned, I'm just there to study. I have no plan of getting involved with their teenage drama stuff or becoming an actual object of their conversations and emotions. That is not part of my plan.
Biggest one, of course, would be from my girlfriend. Getting pissed off at my Facebook activities has become her favorite hobby as of late. All for the tiniest of reasons, if they can even be considered as valid. Like me following this FHM model, liking that classmate's status, stuff like that. We could be fighting over more serious stuff, like me actually trying to cheat with another girl, me trying to run off with her money. Anything. But no, she had to choose the route of peeving over a bevy of imaginary threats made up of FHM models, 16-year-old teenagers, and co-workers who live miles away from where I am. Babe, if you're reading this, I have one thing to say: set your priorities straight. I am not cheating.
Some other minor stuff of aggression include this morning's jeepney ride. Driver got pissed off at a kid who got off without paying. Dude riding in the front got pissed off at the driver for not cutting the kid some slack. Driver got pissed off more and started a small verbal battle with the dude in front. No idea how it ended as I had already gotten off the jeepney in the middle of the situation. Another one would be while I was walking my dog through the subdivision. A girl got pissed off at me for staying in front of her house a little too long, since she thought I was letting my dog urinate on their fence. Which wasn't really happening of course.
Add to that my long-standing animosity towards the two idiots over at my work, and you have my day's menu of hot, angry steam.
Good thing my sister was at work today. It could have been worse, haha.
Money (and my job):
Well, this one's always been in my head since I started working. It has been a bigger object of my thoughts recently, though, mainly because of my obsession over my PC project. If I were to guess on an estimate, I'd say my projects about 50 to 60 percent complete. I still have a long way to go with the parts that I need, so if I'm going to finish this project, I'll have to make sure that I maintain the status quo with regards to my job. Otherwise, I'll have delays.
The Daily Grind:
I'm starting to feel it. The topics at school are starting to ramp up, and the professors are gaining momentum with their tasks. My grades aren't exactly in top shape, either, so I'll have to step my game up beginning now.
I wish summer would come a bit sooner, though. I need a vacation.
Writing:
Not sure if I want to tackle this one right now, but I'll chip a thought in for later: Can I consider myself as a writer, since I've been writing on my blogs for a long time? I think the answer to that would be no. Technically, a writer is someone who writes for a living, and that's not what I do. My blogging is more of a personal thing, and I'm not really offering my "work" to an audience for consumption. But at the same time, I don't mind keeping this blog open to the public. Just keeping it open, not sharing it, that's the thing. I'm not trying to create or present art, either. It just is and that's why this is called a "Weblog", it's a log of stuff posted on the web. It's not for anybody, but it's open to everybody. Like a park. Or the facade of my own house. Something like that. I'll have this one pinned down eventually.
Health and fitness:
I often say that I currently have no time for such endeavors, but in reality, it's more of a will issue. I can definitely make room for an hour-long exercise session, but recently, I've been so lazy about stuff, especially exercise. To be honest, I've started feeling various (mostly painful and uncomfortable) sensations all around my body, and even though I really want to fix these potential problems, I've done nothing to contribute towards that end. Maybe someday I'll end up regretting not doing anything about my health, but I really don't want to come to that point. I need to do something. Now. While I'm still in my twenties.
The future (and how uncertain everything is):
Just a few things about my anxiety over the future. Everything's still so uncertain, and yet here I am, betting on my own plans and hoping for the best. Well, I guess that's the reason why I'm so anxious; I hate betting on anything. If I'm gonna be part of anything, I would prefer it to be a bit more certain. Also, there are some things that I'm still not sure about. I hope I can get to resolve these particular issues before the year ends. I'm not getting any younger, and the window of opportunity is starting to close up, so I'd have to close things now before that window closes.
Well, that's about it. A bit constipated, but that's to be expected from someone who should be blogging regularly about things.
Lesson for the day: Limits, limits, limits. Be aware of your limits.
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
So it's the end of another year.
I'm supposed to make a rundown of the past year's events, and how significant they had been to my life.
However, it just so happened that my writing faculties have decided to take a leave of absence for the time being.
And so I will have to do this rundown later, when I'm actually in a more awake state.
Anyway, goodbye, 2013. Thanks for letting me live past you, with all the crazy bus rides and dark alleyways that I had to go through during your time. Thank you for allowing me to live long enough to see 2014. Thank you for giving me all the opportunities, may they be ones that I actually took advantage of or ones that I let slip by. Either way, thank you.
I hope 2014 does me the same favors as you did.
Monday, December 30, 2013
A sudden case of melancholy
I don't really know what's happening. I just came from what many would call "a good time" with some so-called "new-found friends" of mine. I spent a good amount of cash, we hung out, shared some awkward silences, and some not-so awkward ones, but overall, everything was good.
Technically.
All the laughs were present. The smiles, the small talk, and the exchange of pleasant sentiments were there as well. So, technically, I had a good time.
And yet, I'm still here, typing in front of my computer with a relentless sense of dissatisfaction. Sitting with one leg raised on my desk, like I was bored as all hell.
Maybe it was because the food wasn't that great. I've gone to that particular buffet-style restaurant one time too many, and even though it's a complete haven for serving all my favorite food, its novelty might have rubbed off me already.
Or probably it was the surreal experience of trying to interacting with familiar-yet-not-so-much people in a very unnatural manner of familiarity. We already know so much about each other, yet today was the first time that we've actually seen each other's faces. And now we're all trying to be familiar with each other, since the emotional investment's already there. It's like trying to buy real things with play money.
Or maybe it was the entire setup itself. I had to take charge of gathering everybody, think up the location and all the other details, and actually travel to that far-flung location just to make sure that this event really happened. I'm not used to being the center of any kind of arrangement, and so to be responsible for the success of a small get-together did stress me out a little bit.
It's probably one of those reasons.
Or it might just be because I was dissatisfied with the turnout. Failed expectations do tend to let me down the most. Of what that expectation was, I cannot really say, nor am I in the place to say it.
But in any case, if there's somebody to blame for my dissatisfaction, it would actually be me. For expecting something that shouldn't and wouldn't really happen in the first place. One look at the mirror, and it's already enough to dispel any sense of entitlement in me. I am not worthy.
So I guess the only way for me to beat this melancholy down is to just forget about everything and carry on like nothing happened. No use trying to labor in the attempt of achieving something that's out of reach in the first place.
So much for Communism and its promise of equality.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)