The "Holy Shit! My Wallet's Fucked Up!" Post

So I just found out that I've spent 82% of my money on various shit that I didn't really need. That amount included obligations that really I can't get out of, of course, but most of the stuff I've spent on during the past 4 months I could've definitely lived without.

This will just be a short post, btw, as I'm still reeling from the shock of realizing how much my "cost of living" actually is. But basically, in 4 months, I've spent over 3k from Uber rides, 6k from buying games online (fuck), and a whole ton of other stuff that I don't really need.

Based on my calculations, on average, I spend around 17k each month, which doesn't really make any sense. Who needs 17k a month? I certainly didn't need it back then. So what the flying fuck is the deal with my expenses?

Right now I still need 85k in order for me to get my dad's car. Without that money, I won't be able to drive shit.

As much as I would love to make sure that this blog only contained the most eloquent verbosity that I can come up with, given the circumstances, I guess it could only be fair if the following word would be the last thing I typed in this evening:

Fuck. Me. Sideways. With. A. Cactus.

Okay, that was actually 6 words. And I followed it up with a whole bunch of  other words as well. But who cares at this point; I just lost 71k to nonsensical frivolities. That in itself should give me the license to swear all the way up to next Monday.

So fuck it. Fuuuuuck iiiiiit. I'm out.

Stuff I swore I'd collect someday

No intros, I'll just list them all down.

The Eraserheads Box Set - this is a no-brainer. I literally like ALL of their songs. Can't really say I'm that huge of a fan, but I am a fan, so I have to have this one. 

Chance to get: 50-50. Someone at OLX is selling one of these for 5,000 Php. I don't have that much cash on me right now, so I'll just have to hope that it doesn't get sold before I get enough cash.

All Pugad Baboy collections - from the first one to the very latest: This was a significant part of my childhood all the way to my young adulthood. If you liked Pugad Baboy enough to own even one of these, I automatically consider you as my friend.

Chance to get: Unsure, but definitely possible. I'll ask Pol Medina Jr. himself if he's still selling them by set. 

Collier's Junior Classics 1960's printing - The main reason why I'm an aspiring wordsmith today.

Chance to get: Possible, but not from within the country. Got a bunch of sellers from overseas selling in good condition. Will also cost me a pile of coin to buy.

Time-Life Mysteries of the Unknown - 1980's hard-bound printing. Same as above, except that aside from writing, this series opened my eyes to the world of the paranormal.

Chance to get: Same circumstances as above, will have to be sourced overseas.

All FHM Philippines back issues - The premiere men's magazine in the land. Owned a ton of these myself back in the day, but never got to collecting them in order. Still hit myself in the head over selling some to a friend. 

Chance to get: I don't think this one's even possible now, but I'll try to at least collect a year's worth of issues.

The Lord of the Rings + The Hobbit + The Silmarillion - same printing, doesn't matter which one, as long as they're a set. Much better if it's a box set, although I haven't seen these specific books in one.

Chance to get: Almost all Fully-Booked branches carry this, so very possible.

Harry Potter 1-7 -  the box set, naturally.

Chance to get: Same as above, pretty common.

A Song of Fire and Ice - although this one's not really worth collecting at the moment since it's still unfinished. 

Chance to get: As I'll be getting this by the time the series ends, the market should have been flooded with this by then, so it should be a piece of cake.

Other stuff that I can't name on top of my head - will add them to this list as soon as I can recall.

And then finally, A huge-ass bookshelf to store them all in one place.

Note to self

I need to make a decision about what I really want to do with my spare time.

Wait, wasn't I extremely busy with my work and studies?

Well, fortunately, my work's still there. In fact, for the most part, the past year has been all about work. So much that I, without the knowledge of my family, have decided to place my studies on "pause" for a while.

Side note: I hereby officially announce that I am once again in hiatus from college life.

I'm not exactly sure when I'd be going back to my scholastic pursuits, as there are still several factors to consider before I go back. Either way, my appetite for school is currently at an all-time low, and I need to recharge myself for a bit. And by recharge, I mean distract myself with a ton of free time.

Which is a bit of a problem, by the way, as I don't know if I have actually freed a lot of my time so far, because right now, my daily schedule is a mess. I'm supposed to sleep at 10pm every night, wake up at 5:45, start working by 6am, finish up at 1:30, and everything after that should all be free time for myself. But for several reasons, (mostly internet-based ones), I can't help but stay up late, which then leads to me waking up late and sleep-deprived the next morning. And because I lack the proper amount of sleep, I tend to take long naps in the middle of the day, usually before I'm supposed to log out of work. So at the end of the day, I've worked less efficiently and I've spent more time sleeping than I should have, which really doesn't translate into more free time.

But I digress. This is actually an easy problem to solve, especially now that I've lessened my life burdens somewhat. Once I get myself back into the proper sleep rhythm, everything should be back to normal, and then I get my free time.

Which now takes me back to my original question: Now that I am at the verge of having a lot of free time, what should I do with it?

Well, actually I already have some ideas brewing inside my head for the past couple of weeks now:

1) Start a new blog that's focused on my professional experience - I've always wanted to do some creative non-fictional writing about the things I've learned over the course of my time as a young professional. Maybe even make some money out of it through ads (and possibly youtube videos), assuming that I market my blog well through social media, and that there's an actual niche for it.

2) Start an online magazine - Since I'm already on the subject of monetizing content on the internet, might as well talk about my idea of having my own e-zine website. I'm still not sure what the main focus of the website's going to be, but I'm pretty sure it would revolve around subjects that I'm very familiar with and/or very passionate about. The site could end up as an extension or an expansion of my "professional" blog, where I could talk about tech, home-based work, and other stuff that I come across in my everyday work. Probably add in a small section for viral stuff as well.

I've also thought about opening an online men's magazine, now that FHM's shying away from "mature" stuff. My next-door neighbor's a budding photographer; we could probably team up and make our own content. Definitely not sure about this one, but I did think about it, so I'm putting it up here. Might not fit into my idea of something that can be done during my free time, though.

3) Learn day-trading - I ordered a book about day-trading in the stock market yesterday so that I can start learning about turning the stock market into a day job. I want to add day trading to my repertoire of skills as a possible contingency plan just in case everything goes wrong with my current job. I still don't have the necessary capital to begin with (I've heard I may need amounts of up to 200k to start trading), but at least I've put in the necessary intellectual capital before I start diving into it.

4) Practice driving, and possibly branch out into the transport business? - My recent experience with Uber has piqued my interest about the transportation industry, and I might end up running a transport business. I don't have any background on it, but from what I've learned, it doesn't seem too complicated.

5) Others. Will edit them in as soon as I remember them.

So there, I have a handful of plans that I have been dreaming of for some time now. Notice that most of them are inclined towards opening up additional streams of income for myself. That's because I'm 30 now, and I need to start earning money if I want to travel and see the world before my bones start creaking.

When am I going to act on them, though?

No. Freaking. Clue. Maybe once I'm done whipping my schedule back into shape?

Well, I guess for now I'll just have to leave my ideas as they are: ideas. Though, I'm writing them down in the hopes that I get to doing at least one or two of them in the very near future. I'd write this post down on a post-it and stick it on my monitor. But I'm not that kind of guy, and it would ruin the aesthetic of my current setup. So this blog post will have to do.

Note to self: read this post every day, then hit yourself with something hard. It might help.

A reply to "Telling Girls To 'Cover Up' For Boys Promotes Rape Culture"

I posted this as a comment to the article entitled "Telling Girls To 'Cover Up' For Boys Promotes Rape Culture" by Ms. Stephanie Shi of Cosmopolitan.ph.

I, for one, strongly agree that women are not supposed to be treated as sexual objects, and every man should be taught not to harass, catcall, rape, or creep upon women, regardless of what they're wearing (I do have some reservations regarding womens' fashion and exposure of skin, but that's for a different topic).

However, in our present state, where not everyone has access to proper education, especially in depressed areas, women are still at a risk of being harassed or raped by men who are uninitiated to the modern principles behind women's rights, and most of the time it's because these men can do so. No police presence to enforce these lofty ideals, nor are these criminals exposed to suppressors of sexual instinct like education and proper moral guidance.

True, exposing skin should not be a reason to be raped. Same as flaunting your money in public should not an excuse to be stolen from. However, that will only work in a perfect society where people and their thoughts are policed extremely well, where everyone's morals is calibrated with each other, and where people are free from social ills like poverty that prevent them from sublimating sexual energies into more productive activities. Until that is achieved, everyone should protect themselves before relying on society and its constructs to uphold their personal well-being.

D-Day

Finally managed to fart out a blog post that was made to actually serve the original purpose of this blog, which is to chronicle the important events in my life. Today's somewhat important, though. The reason for it is, well, for better or for worse, this day might turn out to be a huge milestone, and I definitely can't miss the opportunity to write about it, lest it escape me again.

So, well, here goes.

To make things short, basically I think my attempts at getting out of an ill-fated relationship has run into a cul-de-sac for the last time. I have found out that I am incapable of breaking an earnest heart, and for that, I might end up having to carry the burden of being said heart's caretaker for the rest of my life. 

Just to set the record straight: I have always wanted to get out the relationship with my current girlfriend, for the reason that I want to give myself another chance at getting into a proper relationship with someone who's actually compatible with my life. I'm not sure if there's a snowball's chance in hell of that happening, even if I was single in the first place, but at the very least, I want to be open to the possibility if ever that opportunity comes knocking on my door.

You might ask, what's wrong with my current girlfriend, and why isn't she compatible with my life?

Well, for one, I've dreamt of having a successful career in Accountancy and Law, and getting enough emotional support and concern are of paramount importance if I'm to achieve success in those fields. I need someone who understands that I will need my time for studying and catching up with lessons. She would also have to cope with the idea that interaction with people is inevitable, especially with that of the opposite sex. I need someone who will accept the fact that friends and a healthy social life is something normal, and that they are necessary for my success and personal well-being.

Same goes for my work. I am currently serving as a senior executive of our company's local entity, so interaction with my co-workers is something that is non-negotiable. I need someone who can live with the fact that I am contractually-obligated to make professional decisions bereft of any emotion or personal preference.

Finally, I want to be in a relationship with someone who's actually welcome in my life. I want her to be welcome in my home and be friends with my mom, my dad, and my sister. I want her to have access to my awesome man-cave and be comfortable enough to enjoy it together with me. I want her to be someone I can be proud of, someone that I can introduce to my friends and extended family. 

In short, I want her to be a good fit. I'm simple like that.

Alas, all I have is someone who loves me with all of her heart. 

She is fiercely loyal, which makes her overly-attached, and it shows in her total disregard for my studies and my work. She treats all of my professional decisions as personal ones, and looks at every contact of mine with a suspicious eye. Any social interaction with other girls she sees as absolute and utter betrayal, as she believes in the idea that any and all happiness that I may have in my life should only be shared with her, and only her. No exceptions.

The importance of time is completely thrown out of the window as well. I've spent countless hours that could have been spent on more productive matters just to dispel unproven allegations of infidelity and make sure that her extremely-low self esteem is not damaged any further. As I've said, she has the loyalty of a dog, and probably the emotional capacity of one as well. Just being with her is already an emotional roller-coaster in itself; trying to pull her out of a passionate rampage is something else entirely.

Lastly, she's totally unwelcome in our house. My family loathes her, and the very mention of her name inspires vitriol in our household. It's been more than a year since she last stepped into our house, and any update I have on my awesome room I have to show to her through pictures on my cellphone. My friends have never met her, save for my best friend, and she has yet to meet up with my classmates, the likelihood of which is extremely low, given the fact that she's already alienated herself through her anthropophobic tendencies. As far as anyone in my life is concerned, she is unwelcome.

I do love her, there's no doubt about that. I've always loved her. However, that alone can't possibly justify staying in a relationship that pretty much kills my chance at a good, vanilla-flavored life. I may not have been a very good boy, but I think everyone deserves to be in a relationship that doesn't require extreme sacrifice.

But since I'm incapable of breaking her heart, I am forced to become a willing victim of emotional blackmail. I think I will have to stay by her side indefinitely.

I'm not sure what the future holds for me, her, and the both of us. I'm not sure if I'm actually strong enough to go through the entire process of being with her for the sake of doing so. It's actually quite ironic, as I will have to break other hearts (like my mom's) just to make sure hers doesn't break. But at this point, it seems I have no choice.

All I can do at this point is to pray that there is a God, and that he has a plan for us all. 

If I hate you, there's an unpublished blog draft for that.

I just realized I have a ton of drafts saved in this blog that I haven't had the will to publish yet. Most of them are unfiltered thoughts that I simply can't get to sharing as of the moment. 

Maybe someday, when everyone in my life's old and detached enough to be unaffected by my writings will I share them. But, then again, I might not be able to recall the feelings that I felt when I had those thoughts, and I might not be able to convey those experiences as well as I could have if done in hindsight. I guess that's the reason why I put this blog up in the first place; as a repository of my unfiltered thoughts and experiences, where I can store anything and everything at the very moment when I had them. Writing about things in uninspired retrospect defeats the very purpose of this blog. 

And yet I hesitate. Because I am aware of the fact that this is still the Internet. Public domain. My blog may not be as permeating as Facebook, but people can still access this website and peruse my words. Words that might get used against me one day.

So these potentially-inflammatory will have to stay where they are at the moment; in the relatively-safe confines of my unpublished drafts. But if in case you're interested, here are some of the things you can expect from my drafts:

1) If I hate you, there's a draft for that.

2) If you're a crush of mine, there's definitely a draft for that. A very wordy one.

3) Socio-political commentary that I feel like I'm not qualified enough to blurt out.

4) Other emo stuff that are too depressing for even the internet.

That's pretty much it so far. I expect the number of my unpublished posts to increase in the following months, as I face a ton of frustration and failure in my continuing journey towards self-actualization. So, if there's anyone who actually follow this blog (highly doubtful, but we'll see), well, tough luck I guess?

Vicarious

I don't have any particular agenda in life as of the moment. I'm no patriot, nor am I an activist. I am not an artist of any kind. There are no strong passions stirring inside my chest. So there really is no reason for me to "go out there and do it", because there's no "it".

The only thing I have going for me right now are my work and my studies, which are pretty much normal for everybody. Unless you're an outstandingly-disadvantaged individual who was born in a cesspool of poverty, you don't really choose an education nor a relatively well-paying job as an advocacy in life.

For all intents and purposes, I am quite free to do whatever I wish to do.

And yet I am being held back from living the life I want by forces that are yet known to me.

Laziness? Probably, but I've been known to rise up from my lethargy from time to time whenever I find a very good reason to do so.

Lack of confidence? Yep, could be. But when it comes to the more important things in life, I have managed to overcome my low self-esteem (or, at least, make it seem like I have).

Maybe it's because I'm in a "relationship"?

Maybe.

Either way, all I can do at this point is to sit in front of a screen and watch life from within the spectrum of pornography known as the internet. Watch crazy-gorgeous women doing random stuff while being half-naked. Watch guys kiss and hang out with the same crazy-gorgeous women. Watch rich people flaunt their material wealth by buying the best cars and collecting all the best toys. Watch not-so-rich people flaunt whatever wealth they have left by going places and making it seem like they're rich. Watch a gay friend "live the life" from behind the curtain of perfectly-captured photos. Watch other people kiss and get married and swim in the myopic fantasy of being THE couple. Watch kids half my age reach for the stars, knowing they'll burn out as soon as reality catches up with them, but still envy them for their youthful naivete.

Watch. All while sitting here in my lazy chair, gathering lard under my skin.

I'm fucked. And I'm only turning 30 next year.